Not Your Typical First Post: The Journey Begins...

    Well, as some of you may know, Nick and I have been trying to conceive for almost a year. We kept it pretty low key for the first half of our attempt at parenthood. Admittedly, I was impatient from the get go. As you have noticed, I've been a little more vocal about it as time has progressed.

I have wanted this ever since I was a little girl. I remember that many of my friends wanted to be the, "baby" while we played house. This was just fine with me! I guess the role of a mother has always been within me. 

    Everyone has his or her story. This isn't a pity party, rather my outlet. Every woman is different. Some women would rather not share anything about this part of her life. Others may find healing in talking to everyone. I have now found my happy medium. I figure the people that are most important and/or that care the most will check out my blog- I'm sharing this with the people that I would share it with if I were back in Lincoln talking face to face about an issue that was on my mind.

    This hasn't been easy for us. It actually has been quite tough. Some would argue that we haven't been trying as long as some people out there. The fact of the matter is, when you're ready to be parents, you're ready. Whether it takes three months, three years, or three days (lucky jerks), it's a constant disappointment until you get that positive pregnancy test! We never thought it would be this hard. You are taught in high school that looking at each other for too long would get you knocked up. It's definitely a lot harder to get pregnant than you think! If you don't believe me, check out the ten-part video on YouTube titled, The Great Sperm Race. I promise you that it will be the best, most entertaining, and educational sixty-minute video with a twist on baby making yet!

    With that said...I am NOT a baby Nazi. Do I get jealous? Of course. Do I wish it were me? Certainly. Do I "hate the world" some days. Absolutely. I'm not ashamed. With that said, it doesn't mean you can't talk about your kids, being pregnant, or how badly you want a baby. Please do! The world doesn't stop because of our bump in the road. I can't say that you won't catch me on one of those bad days though! I am human. I do make mistakes. I am also rationale. 

    What keeps me sane through this, is the one thing that has been my consistent rock of love, true friendship, and peace for the last ten years of my life...Nick. I remember it perfectly. I would have had a baby ten years ago if he would have said the word. OK, not really but you know what I mean. I never wanted to push the issue of a baby. Just like anything, Nick won't do something that he's not ready for. It's the stubbornness that I sometimes truly admire about him. When he told me he was ready in August, it was music to my ears. I remember experiencing such an empowering feeling of joy within my body. This was it. We were going to start our family! I was ready to set up an account for Babies R Us and let the nursery planning begin! 

    Obviously...the dream started to darken when we realized each month that something wasn't right. Timing? Infertility? God's way of saying, "not yet." What? It was the constant thought process in my head. Being around my students seemed to be the only thing to keep my mind busy. If I wasn't at school, I was reading online, Google-ing symptoms, researching fertility boosters, etc. While my mind started going crazy, so did the lack of my filter. I began crying to everyone that had babies, recently pregnant friends, etc. I just wanted answers, soon realizing that there were none for now.

I became bitter. Such a miserable person for about a month or two. My constant argument with God was, "Why us? What did we do to deserve this? I'm a good person! Nick's a good person! We made it through high school, we graduated from college, we got married, and we have careers. We did everything "in order", so why are we being punished? Why do people that desperately want to become parents get punished? Why do I see so many women getting pregnant around me that just don't deserve this? Why are abusive people blessed with children? Why do drug addicts get to have children? We see now more than ever what a blessing a child is. We have so much love to share, so why can't we share that love with our own child?" I then started praying for peace of mind, no longer a healthy baby. I just wanted to shut the idea of starting a family off because it was consuming me.     Nick was really worried about me. I was worried about me. Nick had watched me cry and cry. He listened to me whine, "You don't understand!" over and over. The poor guy took a beating there for a couple months. I literally wanted the desire for children to turn off, but I just couldn't do it. It got even harder when Nick started showing signs of frustration and sharing his dream of being a father. I felt like a failure as a woman. So...I just kept praying for peace because praying for a baby "wasn't working."

    Oddly one morning after asking for some serenity, an unwelcome visitor came, and I didn't cry. I. didn't. cry. This was huge for me! Nick was bracing himself for a grouchy, raging wife. He was preparing to hear my rant of how all of this is so unfair. I just took a deep breath and thought...our time will come. I suddenly realized that I was finding my healthy balance. Sure I can be sad, even shed some tears, but it's time to realize that life isn't always fair or on our terms. 

    Life wasn't fair when I had to work full time in high school because my parents were barely hanging on. My parents worked damn hard to put food on the table to feed all of us, even if we were all squeezed into that two-bedroom house. Life wasn't fair when I had to grow up fast because my parents had to worry about two of my siblings' drug addictions that tore our family apart. Life wasn't fair when I stayed up countless nights, writing and fighting to stay in school by filling out scholarships because I didn't come from a family that saved for college. Life wasn't fair when Nick and I had to stress how to pay for our wedding because we didn't have help like some others. 

     But you know...I have great work ethic because my momma and daddy taught me what it meant to work hard for your dollar. I learned to be thankful with what I have because of that two-bedroom house. I've learned that money and materialistic things really don't matter. Money helps...but you can't take it with you when you're gone. I stayed away from the drugs, went to college, got out of Lincoln, and followed my dreams because I saw what drug addiction could do to dreams. I appreciated my education, never skipped class, and filled my brain full of knowledge because I had to pay for it. It also made me appreciate my career even more. I am so happy that I'll happily go to work every day. I also learned what unconditional love and sacrifice meant when my mom and dad let bills slip to wire me some cash for books, pay for some student teaching materials, etc. And Nick and I had the most beautiful wedding than we had ever expected because we put our own into it. We realized that in the end, all that mattered was that two high school sweethearts, still crazy in love, were now man and wife. 

    So to every sad story, to every pity party that I threw, to every time I questioned God. To everything that I questioned in my life, I realized...it was worth it. I am who I am today because of it. I am a better wife, one-day mother, and teacher because of it. Anything great that has happened to us, has been a result of hard work, disappointment, sometimes tears, but most of all...always seeing the positive in everything. 

    I have managed to constantly remember the things that "are working" in my life. Us. We are happily married. We are in love. We are best friends. Teaching. Any time someone asks me, "How's teaching goin?" I can't help but smile ear to ear. My job means the world to me. I am truly lucky to be doing what I'm doing. My mind. I've started realizing that I have a lot to learn, but I'm pretty impressed with my way of thinking. I can be so irrational at times, but I somehow (with the help of my darling husband) manage to talk myself into a more positive approach to any situation. My family. Things are still rocky here and there, but I have a good relationship with my mom and dad. I am slowly working on things with my siblings, but overall I am happy. The things in my family life aren't the best right now, but it could always be worse. Nick's family back at home. What can I say? They've always been wonderful, but just when I didn't think we could get any closer, we do. Nick's mom has been so supportive. We were approved to buy a home! We're not rushing things, but the fact that we were approved and with careful thought, we could be homeowners, makes me smile and feel a sense of pride. 

    We will begin the journey of testing for infertility. This is a very scary journey to start, but I have faith that everything is going to work out. If there is something medically wrong, I have faith that we're going to get through it. 

    I have faith and hope that we'll one day get a phone call from school saying, "Mr. and Mrs. Shehorn...Gavin was caught putting the class pet in his book bag", or "Mrs. Shehorn, Josselyn cut a student's hair in art today."

    I have faith that Nick's tough grizzly body, will melt into a teddy figure of soft plush after holding his daughter for the first time. I have faith that I will lecture "the boys" about tracking mud in the house after coming in late for dinner after a day of fishing. 

    I don't aspire to be rich, travel the world, or have it all. I just want to be Nick's wife, a teacher, and a mother. 

Our time will come...