Bracing for It....

The lab called me before 9:30 this morning. My beta only jumped three numbers. I went from 77 to 80. I'm supposed to be doubling every 2-3 days.

My beta has been 31, 77, and now 80.

I've been calling Dr. Figge's office like crazy. I just need to hear it.

So many things are crossing my mind. Can a miracle still happen? Is it going to hurt? I hear about others' unfortunate experiences. I'm scared to death. I don't know what to expect. If they offer a shot to induce losing this baby I don't want it. I want to know for sure that our baby was meant to be an angel. The fear of the baby being in my tube is there. An ectopic pregnancy is very serious. I could lose my tube, become very ill, and some women have even lost their life due to a tubal pregnancy.

Nick won't accept this either. What if they do another beta and the number quadruples? What if? I need a miracle.

And if another miracle is not in store, I have to accept that this baby wasn't meant to be with us. I don't know if I can ever accept that. I'll post more once I find out what the next step is.

Even though I had the weekend to prepare for any turn of events, my heart is hurting.
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They called me at 12:15. I wasn't able to answer because I had a class already. They left a voicemail to call them....and here I am trying on my prep and no answer. :0(
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1:15PM: I talked to Dr. Figge's nurse. They said that it's only a matter of time before he's gone. :0( I cried and cried into the phone. I asked them, "How am I supposed to get through this?" How?! I know it's not their fault. She told me she was sorry and that our baby was trying and to remember that it happened and will happen again.

That doesn't change the fact that I'm losing our baby. They told me to stop taking my progesterone and I'd lose him in the next few days. I immediately told her I can't "pull the trigger." I just can't. I can't do it. I told her I read too many things online about doctors offering a shot or doing a D&C for the miscarriage. I also read stories about moms fighting this and their baby pulling through! How do I know this is for sure? What if some miracle happens and my levels rise again? I want to know that this was inevitable. I want to know that this baby was meant to be God's angel. She told me if I wanted to keep taking the progesterone, I could. She said it would only prolong things. She told me that it would eventually happen and that the baby has stopped growing. How do they know? I told her I felt like I was making a decision on my child's life and I can't do it. She kept reassuring me that the progesterone does absolutely nothing for the development of the baby. She said all the progesterone was doing was making a cushy wall for him. Progesterone wasn't giving him life.

She then told me I could do another lab tomorrow morning to the reassurance of a dropping number. I have to have a lab next week to see that my levels have dropped to "not pregnant." We then have to go through the miscarriage and then wait until I have a period before we can try again.

Apparently the plan is to use Clomid and IUI again. As heartbroken as I am, I do want to try again. I do have faith that we'll have a baby. I truly do believe this.

I just can't get over the fact that we had a child. In ten years, will I think about this baby and what could have been? I don't feel like we can use any of the baby names that we had picked out because this baby was our baby no matter how small he was.