Ordinary People, Ordinary Life...Extraordinary Love: Out of Our Hands...

I tested this morning and we're still pregnant. I quit bleeding as soon as I started the progesterone on Friday. My temperatures also started climbing again. The progesterone is doing its job of keeping our baby in place. We just have to pray that the HCG levels are where they need to be tomorrow.

I have no idea how I'm supposed to feel. I'm tired, my lower abdomen is bloated and my back hurts a bit. If these are pregnancy symptoms, I'm happy. I'll gladly take throwing up in the morning. I will take feeling like the fattest woman on the planet. I will take the back pain. I'll take the emotions. I'll take it all God, just please give us this baby. I would take on all those horrible pregnancy symptoms that women complain about for nine months if it meant keeping a healthy baby.

Nick and I are savoring every moment with this baby. I spent yesterday secretly talking to him. After we left Dr. Hong, we called every supermarket in the Quad City Area to find the foods that Dr. Hong recommended that I eat. We couldn't find any of it. We were pretty bummed out.

Everything we read online is against us. We're still trying to have even a little bit of hope that our baby will make it.

We also have fears. I'm scared that it could be an ectopic pregnancy. It's one of my biggest fears. I don't know why I'm thinking like this. Maybe the fear of losing this baby brings on every other crappy scenario.

My left side sometimes has a sharp pain and that could be what's triggering those thoughts. We're going to pay attention to any changes and call right away if we become concerned.

Yesterday, I saw someone's post that had the nerve to share they were disappointed that they were not having the sex that they wanted and said, "maybe next time". It took everything in me not to say, "I'll take your baby if you're bummed about that." People have no clue. Not a clue. And I guess in a sense that's why I can't get mad. I can't imagine being disappointed with the sex of a baby. We just want to know that our baby will make it and/or if we'll be able to have another baby.

My heart hurts beyond words. I find myself rubbing my stomach, pretending it's much bigger and the baby is healthier. I then find myself thanking God for this opportunity, no matter how the story ends. I got to experience holding my husband in pure joy and happiness the moment we found out we were expecting. I got to see a pregnancy test turn positive, something we were numb to with every negative, no, or not pregnant. We purchased our first baby item the night we found out. It was small, but Nick wanted to write the date on it and keep it as a keepsake. We decided on a bottle of baby lotion. Nothing beats the smell of a beautiful naked baby freshly lotioned up with Johnson's Baby Lotion. One minute we are ok, watching t.v., with our feet up, and the next minute Nick is holding me, helping me keep it together. Our heart is so, so heavy. It's taking everything in me to not blame myself, be angry with God, etc.

I'm just going to continue to take this day to day. If God decides our little baby is going to be an angel in Heaven, I will learn to accept it. If God decides to give us this baby, I will hold him even tighter than we thought before.