"Feeling Beautiful"

I have never really had confidence as far as looks goes. Sure I believe in myself, I think I work hard, etc, but I have never really found myself to be "pretty" or "beautiful." It's unfortunate because we should love the body we're in. When I lost about 70lbs in high school that was the closest to feeling good about me on the outside as I had ever been. Since high school I have packed that 70lbs right back on, leaving me feeling very distant from confident. Sure I could do something about it and that's why I don't complain as much because I'm obviously not working hard enough to get to my goal. Throw in a hormone imbalance "disease or disorder" and it makes it harder. It's not an excuse, but a little bump in the road that explains why weight loss suddenly became even harder for me.

After this baby is born, it's time to turn my life around about how I feel about me. This baby only has one mommy and this mommy wants to be the best mommy I can be. I want to feel great and have the energy for him or her. I have already done 90% of the battle and that's eating right. The other 10% is being active. I need to do more and I will.

I must say that so far, 18 weeks has been my favorite point in pregnancy. Of course there are various milestones that I'll never forget. The first time I heard and saw our baby's heartbeat was the same amount of happiness, if not more (in some ways) as my wedding day.

Let me get to my point...

I have been dreaming of a "baby bump" for so long. I have been impatient because I wanted to look pregnant and not fat. I wanted to show off my belly and baby. It seems like this bump happened overnight. I am now obsessed with my stomach and the changes happening to my body.

Some women hate this part- they have a hard time accepting stretch marks, heavier/saggy chest, pigment color changes, etc. I was looking at my body yesterday and I couldn't help but smile. What was once two jiggly rolls on my belly has now turn into a round, cone-shaped growing ball. It's truly magical that our bodies are "designed" to do this. My body knows to make room and change for this blessing. It's absolutely amazing.

I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life, now that baby has allowed me to put on 11lbs. Ironically, I feel more confident than I have ever felt in my life. I feel beautiful. Nothing in particular makes me feel that way. It isn't my eyes, my hair, growing chest, etc. It isn't makeup, new clothes, or anything else like that. It's what's happening inside of me that makes me love myself inside and out. I can't stop staring at my body/taking pictures because this is the most amazing experience I have ever had.

I can officially say that yesterday and this morning marked when I realized that I LOVE being pregnant. I have always loved it, but I spent so much time worrying about the what if's than the look at me now's.

It's amazing what a little body inside of someone can do. I can't imagine what it's going to be like when he/she is here.

Thank you God and thank you baby for making me love myself even more.