Remembering the Frustration...

Well...here I am, starting cycle number three. I started my period two days ago. I started after having another few days of spotting. I'm 2/2 for "abnormal" periods. If this next period (assuming I won't be pregnant this upcoming month) is abnormal, I will be going to my OB for testing. I'm sure it will just entail what we have done before (hormone testing, confirming/denying ovulation, etc) I don't THINK I will have to go back to our RE unless we need help beyond Clomid. Given my history, we may, but here's hoping they will just start me with 100mg of Clomid since the first three rounds of 50mg didn't work before Gavin.

I will admit I got a little bummed out with this cycle. I had hope that this would be our month of it happening right away/easily. I was getting the tub ready at my parents when I started. Before I could get too sad, I was interrupted by an adorable little boy who was eager to play with his dump truck in the tub. I simply smiled and said to myself, "There's always next month."

It's easier now more than ever to live in the now. Life is good right now. I recently saw a post from a former Fertility Friend member, who raised the question of, "When do you know when your family is complete?"

I think once you make the decision to stop having children, I'm assuming you feel closure and move on to the next phase of parenting your "complete family." I think when you're trying to conceive, you leave a little bit of living your life for the future. You wonder when will we get pregnant? Will it be a boy or girl? Will he/she be healthy? It opens up into the world of the unknown. You starting planning for another child, and I guess that is where it [your family] can feel incomplete. You're not filling a place in the family that you have been subconsciously making room for. Nick and I have discussed that we will probably "complete" our family with a second child. And if trying becomes too much for the second child, then our family is indeed complete. I hope that makes sense.

Part of me feels selfish for asking for more children. All I wanted was to become a mother. I feel that my life has been fulfilled. I really do. I have the most loving and supportive teammate, husband, and best friend. I have a career I love. I have my sweet, sweet Gavin. We have our health. I can honestly say that I'd be ok if Gavin was my only child. I'm so thankful for him and my husband. Life is good.

I can also honestly say that I'd be a little heartbroken before fully accepting it. Many of my friends are having or announcing baby number two. I can't help but hope that that day will come for us soon, too! At the end of the day, I will still always cherish each and every moment with my beautiful little boy, for it very well be his last "first" whether or not he has a sibling.

I'm not even sure people still read this, but it's still my outlet. If you are reading this, I would appreciate a little prayer, or some fertile and healthy vibes! Here's to the third month!