Heartbeat

As we're getting into the month of July, we're coming closer to our July 21st appointment. We technically could conceive before then, and I'm not giving up hope that it could happen. I'm not giving up hope that it could happen after the July 21st appointment and when we start Clomid. I'm not giving up hope that it could happen when once we take the referral back to the fertility clinic. I do think it WILL happen. That is my mentality. I think it will happen. I am getting more and more excited for this journey to begin again. I splurged this past holiday weekend with food, and I'm now that it's over, it's time to get back to eating well. My weight has plateaued, but I'm stronger with my running. I need to step it up some more though. I'm doing it for me. I'm doing it for my son and my husband. I'm doing it for our future baby. I have hope it's all going to work out.

I do however, have a fear of losing a baby once we conceive, as women with PCOS have a higher rate of miscarriage. As I look at Gavin, I remember that the former journey was worth every bit of worry, heartache, stress, etc. It was worth it. All of it. The pain of a miscarriage when you have such big dreams for your family and baby is shattering. I came across this piece from, yes, Beyonce, but it's beautiful. It's short and to the point. A loss is devastating. I still think of our "first" baby. Our acupuncturist said it was a boy, so we have always acknowledged that. I do sometimes wonder what he'd be like today. I still think about him. But I can also openly admit that if he were here, Gavin wouldn't be. I can't imagine life without Gavin, and I find peace in knowing he has an angel big brother watching over him.

Please pray for success, and a beautiful heartbeat.