A Letter to My Soon-to-Be No Longer Only Child/First Little Boy to Steal My Heart...

Dear Gavin,

As you get older, you'll learn that your mommy happens to be a very emotional/sensitive person. Sometimes it's an obstacle, but most of the time, I try to embrace that I feel deeper, show great compassion, and tend to be more sympathetic/empathetic to those around me. I don't think that's a bad thing. In fact, I hope you have a good dose of this ingrained in you.

I have been your emotional mother since the day I realized you were growing inside of me. There's something between me, you, and even your father that is very special. Every bond between a child and their mother/father is special. We'd like to think (and I'm sure every other parent does) that you're extra special. And you are. You are unbelievably special to your father and me. You see, at one point in our life, we weren't sure that we would become parents. It was devastating news to us. It was one of the darkest, saddest moments in my life. I feared that I'd never become a mother.

And now that you're here, the thought of never knowing you or being able to love you leaves a swollen lump in my throat that is beyond difficult to swallow.

You see, life before you was wonderful. You already know this, but your dad is one amazing man. If for some reason I'm not here, remind your father of this regularly. He tends to be hard on himself. He made every goal, dream, and wish I've ever had in my life worth striving or living for. Your dad was all I ever needed. Your dad is still the center of my world. He just shares that center now.

Little did I know, I could feel even richer with you added into my life. I knew I wanted to be a mommy since I was a little girl. What I didn't know, is just how much you could change my/our life. I didn't know how much more meaning life would have after becoming your mommy.

You, Gavin, are one special little boy.

You gave me hope. From the moment I saw your heart beating, I cried and thanked God for teaching me to have hope and faith. My heart had hurt so much from all the pain of losing your guardian angel and the struggles I faced. All of that went away in the moment that I heard your growing heart beating inside of me. You taught me to be strong for you, even if I didn't feel strong for myself. I made it through my pregnancy with you on hope and faith. I also made it through my pregnancy learning to love myself as I am, to find beauty inside and outside of me. I was able to keep you safe, healthy, and growing for nine months.

And then you came into the world, into our lives, and completely messed it up. Or so it seemed. I had this vision of it being rainbows and butterflies. We'd never cry, we'd never complain, we'd never take you for granted. We had prayed so hard for you, wanted you so badly, that we were naive in thinking it would be blissful from that point on. Oh no, Mr. Gavin. Not quite.

Your daddy and I spent the first two weeks of your life in survival mode, wondering if we were cut out for this parenting thing. I spent my nights watching you sleep to be sure you were breathing, tending to every little sound you made, nursing, cleaning, changing, snuggling, comforting, and more. I remember crying because I was missing out on a conversation in the living room, while nursing you in another room. Your dad's breaking point was buying me the wrong pad absorbency after running around and doing chores on minimal sleep. It was the first time I had ever witnessed your dad on the verge of crying and showing that he was ready to raise the white flag. It was a very difficult two weeks (and it's still difficult today). I can now put all of those emotions, feelings, and breakdowns into words. You taught us a foreign concept- extreme vulnerability. We were suddenly responsible for raising a little human being into a healthy, respectful, kind, loving, grown human being. We signed up to value your life even more than our own. Our love for you was so overwhelming that we couldn't handle it at first. It was almost too intense. The emotions were too much.

As time went on, we got into routines, things became easier with practice, and our new norm settled in, things kept changing. Our love for you grew deeper and stronger. We also learned how to spread all of that love throughout. It was still overwhelming, but not as scary. We became more confident. You started growing and changing, too. We began to look forward to all of the typical milestones- cooing, rolling over, sleeping through the night, smiling, crawling, walking, and more.

As time continued on, we started realizing just how fast time passes by. We began to say, "Slow down." I no longer looked forward to milestones, but all of the little moments in between. You have taught us to slow down and really take time to enjoy the little things in life. You will one day realize this, too. It breaks my heart that one day you will grow up and wish time away. If you're lucky, you'll realize it before us, maybe even before children. If you do choose to have children, you will understand exactly what you have done to us when it comes to just enjoying each day as it is.

You have taught me to be a silver-lining, glass half full kind of person. I have learned that every situation could always be worse. I was never sure I'd have you in my life. I had an emergency c-section with you and wasn't sure I'd ever see you or your father again. But I'm here, you're here, your dad is here...and that's all I need. We have bills, student loan debt, and no money. BUT we have amazing credit and great spending morals. We may not have an updated house, BUT it is a solid, well-built home to raise you in. Your dad and I have our moments like any marriage, BUT we're a team and love each other like crazy. Things break in the house, unexpected expenses come, daily life and work can become stressful, but you my son (and your daddy) are the big picture. You have taught me family.

Family. I don't try to correct or relive my childhood through you. I try to be the best mom (and your amazing dad of a dad) I can be for your life. I always worried if I would be good at genuinely doing things like traditions, activities, making memories, etc because I didn't always get that growing up. You have made it easy. Family time is a priority and it comes so naturally for your dad and me. You are easy to love. You are easy to build memories with. You are everything good and more. I have always been a family-oriented person, but you have brought so much meaning to this.

You give me meaning, Gavin Nicholas. I am so, so honored and thankful to be your mom. While we're all guilty of taking things for granted, you remind me, "For this child, I have prayed. And the Lord has granted my heart's desire." I snuggle a little longer, give a little more patience, take another breath, and remember that you're my answered prayer. You are my miracle. You are here and I try to never ever take you for granted.

You'll never remember the early years that I'm currently experiencing, but one day I can't wait to tell you about this powerful, infectious personality you have. You are a wild, loud, ridiculously smart, motor mouth, busy, inquisitive, well-mannered, terrible-mannered, grungy, lovable, adorable, little boy. You have had the biggest smile since were able to start smiling on purpose. It hasn't gone away. You make everyone around you smile. You make everyone around you feel like a kid again. It's a special gift. Sometimes you are so energetic and full of it that I want to pull my hair out. You don't reserve yourself for anyone. Someone told me in regards to your outgoing personality, I love that he is just so confident. He obviously gets that support from you guys. It really sank with me. You are your own person, but I'd like to think that maybe your daddy and I have done a good job of letting you be you while giving you guidance and love along the way.

As you can read, you. are. our. world. son. You are the universe, the galaxy, and beyond.


I never thought we'd be blessed again to have another child, but here mommy is...expecting your little brother, Benton. In approximately sixteen weeks, you will have to share a place in mommy and daddy's heart. While Mommy is so excited to have another child (especially another little boy), I have to be honest with my emotional, sensitive side.

I'm scared.

I'm scared you will think I have forgotten about how special and wonderful you are. I'm scared that as we face those scary first few weeks with your brother, you will not see that my heart's love is overflowing even more for you than the day before. I'm scared I won't do a great job of balancing my time and love between both of you. I know I'm going to love your brother like crazy. I already do. I know he will be special and unique.

I'm going to use all of the lessons you have taught me Gavin, all of the gifts you have given me. I'm going to have hope and faith that Mommy's delivery will go well, and Benton and I will safely come home to you and Daddy. I'm going to have hope and faith that we'll get into a new norm and it will be the life we're used to, wondering what life was like before (even though Mommy will remember all of our memories as a family of three).

I'm going to find the silver-lining on the days that Mommy feels like it's really hard being a mommy of two. I'm going to remember how blessed I am to love three little boys (yes, your daddy is included in this). I'm going to remember family is first when Mommy and Daddy start to worry about the adult stuff like bills, jobs, housework, etc.

I'm going to enjoy each and every day with you, your baby brother, and your daddy because you three are my world.

I'm going to remember just how special you are as your grow into your new role as a big brother. And Mommy's heart is just going to grow deeper and deeper in love with you. I love you with every fiber of my being you special, special little boy.

You're going to be one cool big brother. 

“Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ” 

 

 

 

 These have been my songs to my son since he was born.