Even Answers Left Us Heartbroken...

Yesterday, I was given the news that my life will never be the same again.

I called the doctor's office this morning and left a message. No returned call. Nick had emailed me at work to check-in and became frustrated. He told me to call again, so I did.

I talked to the nurse and explained that I'm a very patient person, but when dealing with answers to our troubles, I needed them now. She told me that Dr. Lang was with a patient, they'd review my lab work and my ultrasound one more time, and then call me back.

Our truck was in the shop, so I had to ask a friend from work to give me a lift so I didn't have to stay at work until 6:00. Waiting at school would have made this much worse. I'm glad I was taken home because even though I suspected problems, I wasn't prepared to hear the news.

Dr. Lang called me around 5:00PM. He asked me if I had time to talk, somewhere I felt comfortable, etc. My stomach started churning.

He told me that my labs came back and showed elevated testosterone levels. This was a good indicator of a hormone problem of course. My ultrasound confirmed his diagnoses. Both of my ovaries are filled with multiple cysts. I have an incurable syndrome, or I've read a disease (I can't handle that one) called, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). "Poly" means more than one. And we all know what cysts are. Not all women actually have cysts in their ovaries and still have PCOS. In my case, I do.

The doctor said that both of my ovaries are full of cysts. Here are some links to read about the syndrome:
http://women.webmd.com/tc/polycystic-ovary-syndrome-pcos-topic-overview
http://www.womenshealth.gov/publications/our-publications/fact-sheet/polycystic-ovary-syndrome.cfm

If had to explain this "disease" to someone, I guess I would say this: PCOS is a hormone imbalance disorder. There is no cure for it, or no known reason as to why it happens. It can happen to women at the age of ten and on. Most women find out they have it during their child bearing years and develop the cysts around that time as well. The body is producing too much testosterone because the body is insulin resistant. The body doesn't break down sugars and carbs like it should. Instead, it causes everything to be messed up in the hormone world. The out of whack hormones causes symptoms. Symptoms include rapid weight gain/inability to lose weight, unwanted hair on the face and belly, perspiration, irregular menstrual cycles, irregular ovulation, infertility, ovarian cysts, acne, thinning of the hair, high testosterone, pelvic and back pain, horrible period cramps, heavy bleeding, skin tags, and more. The list goes on. You are higher risk for diabetes, heart disease, cervical cancer, etc. If you do get pregnant, you are "beating the odds/statistics." PCOSers will have a high risk pregnancy. This means that my chance of miscarriage is larger than that of a woman without PCOS.

Now that there is a label and I have done some research, things make sense. I started gaining weight at the age of ten. I really just bounced up there. I battled my weight my entire life. I lost 75lbs in high-school because I started running AND I was on birth control. Birth control can be a temporary fix for PCOS. It hides symptoms and helps balance the hormone levels out. I gained 80lbs over the four years of college. I got off of birth control in April of 2011 and since then, I have rapidly put on weight. I can lose ten pounds with no problem but I if I stop dieting, I will pack 14lbs on in matter of two weeks. I had terrible cycles growing up. I was on birth control by the time I was 15 because I couldn't handle the pain associated with my menses. The last few cycles have been irregular for me and I didn't ovulate in April. In fact, I haven't had a period still. This is the first time either have ever happened so that tells me this has been getting progressively worse. I did develop an embarrassing mustache this year. I also started getting odd acne. It wasn't all over my face, but just a few very large zits on my face. It would take forever to get them off my face. I also had my first run in with anxiety this year. I thought it was just planning for the wedding, but we have a feeling that I wasn't able to handle stress due to this. These are just things that I was running through my head in bed.

So now what? Well, I didn't think of any plan of action last night. I was busy grieving over the news. I called Nick's mom and my parents to share the news. I was a mess. How was I supposed to think positive after that? I'm allowed to cry. I'm allowed to be heartbroken. I'm allowed to be pissed off. I was just given news that I'd "be beating the odds/statistics if pregnant."

I'm so mad! I'm so mad at the world! Why? Why me? We have worked so hard. We love each other so much. We have been through so much together and have proven to be a stable, loving couple. We think and process everything we do. We try so hard to live this life we dreamed of. How can I be positive when our biggest dream has turned dark? Why am I being punished? How can I look at my husband knowing it's going to be hard giving him children. I can't look at myself. I feel broken. I was made to bear children, and I can't quite do that. Not without help and optimism. How will I ever be able to enjoy pregnancy? I will have the fear of losing our child every day. I will be a mess. Why are drug addicts allowed to have children? Why do people get to see their children when they want to and when it's only convenient for them? I am so angry that there are "parents" out there that take parenthood for granted. I know that parenthood is hard, and parents are allowed to complain. I hear things like, "UGH my kid is a freakin' brat!" "I was up all night because ______." Now, I know that those are normal feelings but I can't help but think:

I would love to know what it's like to have indigestion/nausea from pregnancy.
I would love to be low on energy and have a lack of sleep because I was up all night holding my baby that needed me.
I would love to be able to snap pictures of our baby's mess after spilling milk all over the floor.
I would love to have the busy life of soccer games, dance recitals, etc.
I would love to experience all that motherhood/parenthood brings with my husband.
We would love the opportunity to go through this.

I do know that when that time comes, we will think carefully before we complain about our children. We will appreciate our child. We will understand that every little moment throughout the day is that much sweeter. We will understand what a true gift our baby is. We will not take our baby for granted. We will savor every waking moment with our children. We will love our miracle baby.

I appreciate the support that I have found through many of you. A very sweet person, very dear to me said that these are the cards we were dealt. It's not the end of the journey for us. It's just going to be more challenging, but we can beat the odds. We can have a baby. It may be hard, I may experience a miscarriage, but I'm willing to try. There is no cure, but we can treat the symptoms to increase our chances, even if it's a small percent, we can increase our chances of conceiving.

We are visiting with Dr. Lang on Monday, May 7th. He is going to talk to us about PCOS and treatment options. We are also going to get Nick tested, just to be sure it's only my condition that needs to be treated. The doctor wants to try Metformin. It's a drug that is actually used for diabetics. I'm not diabetic at all, but the medicine has been known to help PCOS symptoms, allowing women to get pregnant. I am still researching this, but apparently it helps with the insulin resistance, can help me lose weight, balance my hormones, and possibly shrink the cysts, allowing me to ovulate and get pregnant. It doesn't always work, and sometimes it's paired with Clomid, a fertility drug that will cause me to ovulate. (It also increases your chance of twins.)

We will know more about the situation on Monday.

These are the cards were were dealt. I don't like them. In fact, I despise them. What a crappy hand. Nick and I are both heartbroken.

Aside from the heartache, I just feel broken, but now it's time to get the thought that I'm broken as a woman out of my head. It's time to be proactive and work hard. If we want to be parents, we're going to do whatever it takes. If the journey stops down the road on having a baby [biologically], I know that I WILL be a mommy one day. Nick and I will be a dang good mommy and daddy. We won't fail at this. I'm going to have my days where I just want to throw the towel in. I'm going to have days where I'm just not feeling quite strong enough, but I'm not going to give up. I am going to beat the statistics.

On an even more positive note, I looked up at the ceiling and talked to God last night. I told Him I don't understand what his plan is, but I'm eager to find out what brought him to throw this one at us. I have to trust in God. I have to trust in his plan. Maybe that's it. Maybe he's testing us because he knows that we're going to love that baby. He wants us to really appreciate that baby. My heart cries for a child and maybe that's just what he wants. He wants us to appreciate that moment that we find out we're pregnant. He wants us to embrace each other and bring us closer than we ever thought we were. I will say this, it's working.

I feel so close to Nick right now. He held me last night and just let me pour my heart out. He wouldn't let me apologize for this situation. He is an amazing man. I have never felt more accepted by him. This made me think about him. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't want a family. I don't mean that this is fault, I mean that, if I didn't love my husband the way I do... If he didn't cause me to dream of a beautiful life with him...If he didn't make me eager to see what kind of father he'd be...I wouldn't have as strong of a desire to be a mother. Sure, most women desire children, but it wouldn't mean as much when it comes to sharing our life. I have a wonderful man in my life. He is there for me in every way. He is trying his best to make the situation better. One thing for sure, we truly are best friends.

He is hanging in there and he is optimistic. He's ready to start whatever it is we have to do [unless it affects my health or well-being] to become parents. We have put the house hunting on hold for now. We do not want to buy a home and not be able to focus on fertility. This isn't putting our life on hold, but we're just not ready to make a huge financial decision when this in itself could be a huge financial decision.

I think that for now, I'm done writing. I'm sure this is a jumbled mess. I will say that I'm at a much better place than I was yesterday. My heart is still heavy, my heart is still hurting, but my heart still desires a child.

Please pray for us as we begin a new road that was paved for us. We're very uncertain of things so we'd appreciate prayers for patience, understanding, healing, and love. We will get through this.