The Feeling of Starting Over...

is so emotionally draining. I started a new cycle this morning. I had my bawl fest already and called my RE like I was instructed.

I spoke with the nurse. She of course said she was sorry that my heart was yet again broken. She then told me that the plan changed. Dr. Figge found that Clomid worked very well for my body at the dosage I was at. As of right now, they don't feel they need to monitor me with ultrasounds or trigger shots. They want me to start round two of Clomid this Wednesday and switch to digital ovulation kits so that I'm not seeing many positives. Maybe the digital will pick up the only true positive day. We are to "plan accordingly with the family planning" and call the day we get a positive so we can schedule a progesterone check again to confirm that an egg was released.

I asked the nurse why Dr. Figge hasn't checked my tubes. I trust him 100% and felt like they wouldn't avoid things because it may not be covered by insurance. He seemed more sincere than that. I found out that it's a little bit of that, and a little bit of his expertise. I just can't help but think, "Ok, Clomid worked, we did what we needed to do that week, and no baby. Clomid is a waste if I have blocked fallopian tubes."

I expressed my concern and she said, "It can take up to six months for couples to have a baby with planned intercourse. Clomid and it's success of making women ovulate will work 75% of the time in the first three months. You still have two more tries. Dr. Figge usually tries three rounds before running any other tests. The Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) is usually NOT covered by insurance and is a $600 procedure. He wants to give Clomid a shot before taking any more testing. He wants to know that you MUST have this test done because he doesn't want you paying for an expensive procedure if it's not necessary."

I get that and I appreciate it. BUT, who's to say that if I have the test now, clear any blocked tubes, that it doesn't fix things and I get pregnant this next try? Or the try after that? Oh well, it's two more months before then and I'm still hopeful we'll get pregnant by then. She told me I could request to have it now, but I'm going to keep trusting my doctor.

I cried to my mom this morning. Next week puts us into July, which marks a full year of trying to start a family. Again, some of you may say, "That's nothing compared to what others have gone through, or how long they waited." Please keep that thought to yourself. I'll continue to say it. When you're ready to start a family, you're ready. It doesn't matter how long.

I've lost 17lbs, I am eating healthy, I move much more, I am not as stressed, we're trying like we're supposed to, etc.

I. just. don't. get. it. What else could we do? I've been giving it to God, so that I felt like there was nothing more for me to do because it was in His hands.

What's worse, I have maybe two friends that truly check on me. I know we all have things going on in life, but it hurts knowing I'm still doing my duties as a friend to others, yet most of my friends have no idea what's going on with me. They know about this blog too and I'm sure rarely check it out. They won't even see this post until someone tells them I'm upset with them. Calling me and asking me how things are going would be even better, but it doesn't happen. This is me and Nick's problem, but it would be nice to know that we have support from our friends. There's nothing awkward about it. Nick and I don't make this awkward. I'm not expecting a speech, advice, etc...just check on me like friends should!

It's really hitting Nick. He noticed that all his buddies from college have started families and he thinks, "why us?"

I am going to stop now before I fall into the trap of getting angry at the world all over again. I can tell as I'm typing that I need to take my dog for a walk and get a clear mind.

Time to post the positive:

1) Clomid worked! I ovulated and my cycle was a normal cycle!
2) Because this was a normal cycle, I didn't have to wait 60 days for a period only to start over. Nick and I will be ready to try again in a matter of less than two weeks.
3) I have a diagnosis. Doctors know what's wrong with me. They're doing the best they can to help us. They're very optimistic!
4) I have an amazing husband who has been there every step of the way.
5) Clomid makes me have TERRIBLE mood swings and my husband puts up with it.
6) Both of our families are supportive and are just as hopeful as our doctors.
7) Nick and our families will not let me say, "I'm sorry." for not being pregnant. They keep saying it's not my fault. It helps because many times I blame myself.
8) The second time around with Clomid won't be as scary because I know what to expect.
9) I am pretty resilient! By the end of this blog, I'll be in a better mood and ready to try again.
10) This blog is a huge outlet for me.
11) Nick quit smoking today. This not only will make him a better daddy for the future, but that means my husband will be alive longer and I get to be with him longer. And I like that. I love him to pieces and want to keep him as long as possible! ;0) (Say a prayer for him. I know it's going to be hard for him to quit. He did this on his own so I'm proud!)

Thanks for listening those of you that care enough to know what's going on...and to those of you who are just nosy. That's fine too!

Time to move on, stock up on the baby making gear, hold my head high, and try, try again. We have 2-3 more tries. We're not going to give up.

Never going to give up.