‎"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."

I found this tonight and had to think about it... a lot.

Tonight is a section of the fertility roller coaster of emotions that I'd like to think of as the incline, metaphorically speaking. This is a night that I'm thinking clear, I'm rising above the sadness, and thinking about the view that I have right in front of me. I'm feeling on top of this ride.

 "Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."

Some of my readers may not agree and I'm here to reassure you that I'm very happy. I spent the entire day organizing, updating, and creating things for the upcoming school year. As I was working, I began smiling at the thought of another school year and what it will bring- new faces, new personalities, new obstacles, and new memories. I really love my job. I love what I do. I feel so lucky that I'm not part of a large group of working people that dread going to their job each and every day. Don't get me wrong, I have my days that I want to hit the snooze button and not go in, but I sincerely love what I do. I'm happy to get up and go each day! All these thoughts came across my mind and it dawned on me- at one point I never thought I'd be a teacher. I graduated from college and didn't land a teaching position my first year out. I loved my aide position but my heart ached to be teaching. I felt like I was a bench warmer, eager to get in the game. I never thought my time would come. I am now about to start my third year teaching. I still love it and I'm just as excited as the first year, if not more.

I started thinking about all the other instances in my life that I felt would never come. Marriage. I met Nick my sophomore year of high school. At barely sixteen years old, I knew he was the one. At least my hormones told me he was! We had a lot of growing up to do: lots of learning, and the obstacles of being teens in love so young, but it all worked out. I knew in time we would both grow into happy, healthy individuals. I didn't know what our future held, but I was always hoping and praying that our future was spent together. We were so crazy in love and so young. I dreamed of marrying Nick. I knew it wouldn't happen until we were at least out of high school. We proved that our love was really meant to be by doing sixteen months of long distance. It was the worst time in our life. Nick was in Nashville, TN and I was in Aurora, IL. We saw each other three times during that period. We were miserable without each other. Nick always said, "I know, I know baby...I love you too and this sucks, but remember the longer the wait, the sweeter the rest." We dreamed of our life together once we were able to reunite. We'd get an apartment in Aurora (I still had two more years of school to go) and we'd be great! Some of our life lessons as adolescents began. Just because it looks good on paper, doesn't mean it will work out! :0) There was no way we'd be able to live in an apartment. I was barely making $50 a week. Nick needed to find a job. We didn't have a dime to our name. Nick and I had to spend the next two years visiting every other weekend. I never thought I'd graduate, let alone survive student teaching. Again...we obtained what we thought was the unobtainable. I graduated with straight A's my my last two years of college and we were reunited again. I wanted to get married so badly. I never thought Nick was going to ask. I was sure that if he did, we'd wait years before we'd be able to pay for a wedding. This broke my heart and I wanted to get a job as soon as possible so that we could afford a wedding that we wanted.

We decided to live with my parents until I could find a teaching position. It was awful. While we appreciated it, the sleeping on the floor of a two bedroom house with my niece and nephew in the room, was no longer something we could stand. Our relationship was suffering, we were broke, and we had no time to be ourselves. We love my parents, but it got to the point that our sanity was more important than hoarding money. I took a job as an aide and we got our first place. A dumpy, nasty apartment on 8th Street. Our neighbor had schizophrenia (literally) and scared the crap out of us. We loved our apartment! :0) It was a dump but totally ours and we made it our home. We started getting sick of our place, wanted to know where life was going, etc. We then thought we'd never get a better place. We moved to a duplex when I was offered my teaching position! It doesn't have green shag carpet and our heads do not hit the ceiling while we cook. :0) We still weren't married, though. It took about nine years of being together before we actually tied the knot. I am so glad we waited. Nick was right- the longer the wait, the sweeter the rest. We were able to pay for our own wedding. We were so proud that we did it all on our own. It meant that much more and it was absolutely beautiful.

My rambling has a point. Things have eventually come to us. We had to work hard and sometimes I felt like it wasn't going anywhere. We had some very, very rough times. And now I'm jumping back in my "chronological order" here. I remember back to some of our worst times and thought God was punishing us. I remember in college I broke my leg during the first week of student teaching. They wanted me to take the semester off because I had to have surgery. They thought I'd get behind. I took two days off and taught my heart out from a wheelchair and crutches. We got the call that Nick's PaPa had passed away. It was a night that Nick was up to visit and we were trying to sleep on a twin mattress with a CPM machine under my knee. The rain was pouring down and the phone rang at 4:00AM. Nick was sobbing in my dorm room and I couldn't even get up fast enough to hold him and comfort him. We were helpless, broke, broken, snotting all over each other. This was also the week of a huge fight I had with my family because I was tired of them choosing my siblings' drug addiction over my success and struggles to stay in school. We were at a very low point. We were told by Nick's mom to stay where we were, calm down, and drive in a few hours. We didn't listen. We got my crutches, and I made it to the truck in the pouring rain. I laugh remembering how soaked and terrible we looked as Nick was trying to shove my cast covered leg into the truck. I just remember thinking that God was punishing us. When would we get a break? All of the little and big things added up and it just plain sucked. We now look back to that point and laugh at how we have somehow always held one another up in some of the saddest, most awkward, or ugly times. I never thought we'd get out of that mess. Life did get better.

‎"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."

Things have always managed to work out or get better in the end. It didn't all happen at once either. I don't want to spoil the things that I do have, or the things that I desired at one point and have now.

I am so fortunate to have Nick. People spend their life trying to find their "soulmate." I don't believe that there's only one person out there for everyone. I think you decide who's worth the stopping of the search. I was very lucky to find Nick so young. And we are so grateful to have grown closer and closer over the years. We truly are best friends. We laugh and play, something I always write on "marriage advice" themes for other new brides. I haven't been doing this for long, but I know that the laughing and playing is what keeps us strong, aside from the loyalty, trust, and unconditional love and affection. While I have always known that I had this blessing from God, I try to remember that there's others out there that are wondering when for their Nick.

I am so fortunate for my job an educator.  I am lucky to have seventy-five smiling faces five days a week!

We may be wondering when for our financial situation to finally be where we want it, but I'm damn proud of where we are. Our bills are paid, there's always food in the fridge, and we don't rely on anyone. We have excellent credit because we have our heads on straight. That good credit has given us low rates on our second car (the first is paid off now) and even on mortgage rates. I remember thinking, "When are we not going to struggle financially?" even as a little girl. I am proud to say that my life isn't near that and we definitely don't have money, but it's nice to know that our decisions have put us in a better place than I ever thought I'd be growing up. Of course I desire to have a more impressive savings, an additional retirement plan, a college fund, etc, but I'm not going to spoil that we're not on the streets or worrying about how we're going to pay rent.

I want to start a family. I feel incomplete, yes. And I'm sure I'll get down about it in a matter of a few days. It's not fair that I have to go through this, but life is just not fair. I have a feeling that Clomid isn't going to be our simple fix. I wish I knew when we'll become parents. I desire children and I won't stop. Nick and I both think about it daily. I just have to remember tonight's' post. At one point, all the things that we have, meaning the important things in life (happiness, love, friends, family, our fur baby Kendi, health, stability, careers, etc) ideas that we didn't think we'd achieve, or were challenged, or were put as road blocks in our life. I know in time, our baby will come. My heart will break until then.

This isn't my best post. I know my writing is all over the place. I would be pulling out graphic organizers for my students right now on this paper, but you get my point. :0)

I just need to keep remembering all the dreams that have already come true, all the hope that got us where we are, and the love that remained between us throughout all of it.