Praying, Praying, Praying...

I had a chat tonight with someone that has worked with the same RE as me. It seems like we may be on a similar plan. If no pregnancy after the 3rd round of Clomid, we'll take a one cycle break, and then a couple IUI attempts. If none of those work, we'd move on to IVF.

I mentioned earlier that IVF is an $18,000 procedure in our fertility clinic. I panicked but assumed we could do a payment plan and my insurance would cover something. Negative on both...the money has to be paid in full before they even begin the procedure. We could get a loan from a bank in the cities for this, but it has a 12% interest rate from my understanding. If we got approved and into payments, I'll do it! My heart sank tonight and I bawled. I was thankful to hear this now rather than later on in Dr. Figge's office. It really looks like we have about 4-5 more cycles before IVF will be recommended I have a feeling. That's supposed to be the big one and I realized there's no way we'll be able to do it. Our journey will end after IUI. Sure we can keep trying naturally, but like I said in the beginning, I was told I'd, "be beating the odds if you conceived without the help of doctors."

What's that mean for me? Well....there's now more pressure than ever to become pregnant in the next four months. There's a hole in my heart that just grew bigger.

My friend asked if we had anyone we could rely on to help us. The answer was a simple, "no."

That's how life has always been for me. I have always had to take care of myself. We didn't come from a family that has been able to get us out of every jam. (I'm not saying this person did at all.) And that's life. I can't be angry at my parents for their poor financial planning. How would they have known that I would one day ask for $18,000 to make our wish come true? How would Nick's mom know he would marry someone that has a slight chance of having a baby.

All of my inadequacies came back into my view. I feel like a failure again. God, why us? Please give us this family we so desperately want. We're going from trying everything we can to get pregnant, to a road that eventually has a huge block in it. We won't be able to proceed with IVF. It would take us years to save up the money for that.

We need prayer now more than ever. I'd give up anything to have my Nick, our children, and my career. I would be ok with no vacations, no toys, no house, etc. Just me, my husband, and our healthy and beautiful children. Please pray for us. Please pray that we conceive through the treatments I'm currently getting/will be getting in the next few cycles.

I don't even know how we would be able to adopt. I am going to talk to God tonight, just as I do every night. I want some sort of sign that things are going to work out for us.

Please pray, pray, pray for us!