Can Email Even Express How I Feel Right Now?

(An email I sent to a person very close to me.)

Well, I wish this email was good news. I had good news but held off because I wanted to see if things progressed.

At 17 days past ovulation (the night we found out) my beta was 31. They called the next day saying they weren't hopeful. They wanted to do another beta to see if it doubled.

My acupuncturist had a lot of hope. I love her for this and I will continue to trust in everything that she says.

The second beta was at 21DPO and had gone up to 77. This triggered Dr. Figge to say, "We're cautiously optimistic." They then decided to do a beta two days later (today) at 23DPO. If we doubled, they planned on an ultrasound to see how the baby is measuring up. They said that maybe the baby implanted later than they thought. These were Dr. Hong's thoughts, too.

I have seen my acupuncturist twice since we got the great news. She said everything was fine and said by pulse my baby was only about two weeks gestational age. She said as long as the baby didn't abort itself or I didn't bleed, I'd be fine. She gave me a formula, adjusted me, and we did acupuncture on Monday. She even told me our baby was a boy. This gave us so much hope! If you remember, she wouldn't even tell me 100% I was pregnant, but suspected it TWO WEEKS before my positive blood test.

Today was my third beta at 23DPO and it only went to 80. A value of three over two days. Dr. Figge's office called me at 2:00 today and asked that I stop the progesterone and prepare to miscarry in the next 2-3 days.

I immediately cried that I couldn't do it. I felt like I was pulling the trigger, giving up hope if I did that. I don't want to make that decision. I told them, "How do I know for sure? What about miracles? What if my beta shoots up?"

They told me they'd offer another lab tomorrow for reassurance that it's not doing much. I just feel like if it's inevitable, I want it to happen on it's own. They explained that progesterone doesn't have a thing to do with a baby's progress and that the progesterone supplements were only keeping my lining squishy for the baby. They said if I kept taking it, we'd prolong the inevitable and I'd miscarry any day now anyway.

I just can't do it _____. I can't. I feel that I'll worry the rest of my life that I ended this. They don't look at it this way, but I do. I called my regular OBGYN (Dr. Lang) for a second opinion about an hour ago.

He told me he has seen HCGs do strange things. Dr. Lang said that he has seen women drop and rise and it all be ok. He said he wouldn't have given me progesterone because mine was already so low. He thinks it was a chromosomal issue as well and that it just wasn't meant to be, so he wouldn't have given it to me. I told him I don't think Dr. Figge wanted to give me progesterone either. They told me they felt it would be a loss and said they'd give the supplement a try but had no hope. Dr. Lang said he supports stopping the progesterone but would recommend one more beta first. And that's what we're doing. I'm going to the lab tomorrow with no more hope. I just can't give up on our baby.

So....Nick and I have accepted that our baby is leaving us. Tomorrow will be our closure and I will stop it. We'll lose our baby this weekend or after. They said it's just a matter of time. Dr. Lang thinks that the beta will be upsetting but that I do need the closure. He then told me he strongly believes I'll be pregnant again and soon.

My heart is heavy and I'm so, so sad. I will say that I have tried to stay positive. I lost a little less than 10lbs since last week (That's not what makes me happy, the next part does). Insane....I ate a lot, too. I just ate better than ever before. I realized how precious my body is and it makes me want to make it even healthier for our next try. I also realized how much I love my husband and people like you in my life. I have always known that, but having you during a time like this means the world. I have realized how much people affect your positivity. We have been overwhelmed with prayers, good vibes, etc from dozens and dozens of people. This makes me realize how I need to surround myself with nothing but positivity to begin with. This experience has made me realize who my real friends are. The ones that called on a daily basis- no matter how awkward it was. No matter how boring it may be. I had about three friends genuinely check on me. It made me realize I need to value them so much more. Positivity- it's such a powerful, powerful thing. I already know how much family means to me and what kind of parents we'll be. Nick and I did everything we possible could for our little sesame seed baby. I can't imagine how much love and sacrifice we'll make when we hold our little one for the first time. I have learned what kind of father Nick would be. He was so adamant about getting the right foods, making sure I had enough rest, held me, prayed with me, and rubbed my belly even if we knew he was only going to be here a few days. I wanted to cry and panic throughout this entire week but I couldn't. I had this little life growing in me that depended on me. I was able to keep it together more than I ever thought I could. I realized I am a lot stronger than I thought. I have so many emotions right now. I feel like we can't use any of the names we have dreamed of because this was our son/daughter. On the other hand, I feel that the baby that will be here for me to call to will be the baby that God gives us to name. It's so odd to me that little details like this bother me. I guess I just really loved this tiny bean so much already.

I guess that's it for now. I don't even have time to cry. I am in a wedding this weekend. I don't know how I'm going to be able to put on a happy face and move on, but Nick will help me. You will help me. The rest of my friends and family will help me. Knowing that we'll be trying again after this passes will help me.

I love you so, so much.

Lyndsey