"What Do I Say to Them?"

I think it’s only natural to want to “fix” or lighten any situation of a friend or loved one. I cannot get upset with others trying to do that for us. Sometimes I wish I could just hold a sign that says, “Below are comments that will NOT make our infertility battle disappear or change the fact that our hearts are breaking.” I know I have had a few friends share that they're not sure what to say. Hence my post this evening. I thought I'd take the time to share what may not uplift us, as well as things that have helped us find comfort. 

Statements/Questions That MAY NOT Encourage Us...

“Relax/Just stop thinking about it and it will happen.”

This is most common response that I have heard from people. I have asked all of our doctors (and we now have a team of them) if stress causes infertility. Relaxing isn’t going to make our sex timing perfect, the environment of my womanhood any safer, Nick’s swimmers any stronger or abundant, or anything better for that matter. It’s not going to make the PCOS go away or rid my body of cysts, crazy hormone imbalances, etc. When I hear this, I sometimes feel like I am the reason we’re not having children. Well, I guess I am the reason, but it’s not because I am not relaxing. It’s hurtful because I feel like I am being blamed for this. This may come as a surprise, but Nick and I aren’t stressed out twenty-four hours a day. We have our stressful moments, but we’re not so uptight that we’re causing our own infertility.

“You know what…I know someone that got pregnant AFTER they adopted! They weren’t worried then, so it happened!”

Nick and I have nothing against adoption. We have already made the decision that we WILL adopt if we do not conceive on our own in the next year or so. Mentioning adoption so lightly makes me feel like I’m not allowed to grief that I may never experience getting a positive pregnancy test, feeling our growing baby, going through labor and giving birth, watching my body change, bonding from conception on, etc. I will also admit that I want to see a half-Nick-and-half-Lyndsey child that we created together. What’s wrong in feeling that? Just because we haven’t adopted right away, doesn’t mean we’re against it or that we consider it “the next best thing.” That’s not what this is. We want to start a FAMILY. That child WILL be OUR son or daughter. I especially dislike when others tell us we may get pregnant IF we adopt. This suggestion also makes me feel as though we should think less of adopted children. We won’t adopt to fill a void and treat as a consolation prize. Once we do decide to move on to adoption, we’ll have to save money because obviously our money is currently going to fertility treatments.

“You are young. Enjoy being married!”

We are both aware that time is on our side. It still doesn’t change the fact that we want to be parents, and we want to be parents now. Also, how do you know that we WILL have children?  This is something that isn’t guaranteed to us. Who says we’re not enjoying our marriage?  We’re very happy and we haven’t put much on hold for this because we have been blessed with great insurance so far! We’re married and part of marriage is making decisions together, following dreams, and making each other happy. Becoming parents is a large dream we share! We have been trying for a family for going on fifteen months now. This has been fifteen months too long. I am glad we found out our diagnosis when we did because now we know it's crucial to try during the early child-bearing years. 

"It's only PCOS. People CAN get pregnant. My ______ had it and she's a mom." 
I struggle with this one. This phrase could be a positive or a negative thing. I tend to take it as a positive, because I feel it gives me hope. It's a success story. I appreciate the stories because YES, people DO get pregnant with PCOS, but there's also a lot of people who do not get pregnant. It's not just hard to get pregnant, it's hard to maintain that pregnancy. Many people (and it seems to be the ones that don't have it) take this disease lightly. Yes, we may get pregnant, but we still have to go through the exhausting, expensive, and emotional journey. 

“Just quit trying! It will happen when you least expect it!”

The last time I checked, you have to make love to get pregnant. I can’t “quit trying” because we wouldn’t get pregnant. Oh, you mean don’t time it and stress about it? Well, if my body worked right, I’d do that. We’d make it fun and not work. We’d not have to buy OPK's, track my temperatures, pay attention to signs that are no longer private to me, have blood drawn a few times a month, call doctors when we have been trying, etc. We wouldn’t have to plan our evenings on the calendar if my body wasn’t broken. TRUST ME...we'd love to "quit trying."

“Have you tried cough syrup? Preseed? Have you elevated your legs? Lose weight. Do this position. Have you tried…”

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes! We have done it all. Did you have to do all that to get your baby? Most of you will say no… and that’s great! You should be able to have a baby on sex at the right time alone! We unfortunately can’t make it work if there’s a medical reason, but YES, we have tried EVERYTHING! 

That is why we are now doing assisted reproductive technology (ART). That is why we're preparing for our first IUI treatment and holding on for dear life, as we know IVF comes after this. 

I honestly don’t get TOO worked up about what people say to us, but I know others feel uncomfortable when it comes to this topic. "What SHOULD I say to them?" has been something that has crossed others' mind. We can tell you what has made the situation easier to accept some days. I can share what DOES give us hope. I can tell you how I manage to wake up, get out of bed, and not spend my day crying that our dream may never come…

Statements/Questions That Give Us Hope, Encouragement, and Peace...

"I’m sorry."  It is such a simple, yet helpful response. You don’t have to give us advice, share your experience (unless you want to of course), or throw a pity party for me. Sometimes just an honest, sincere, and warm look in the eyes is all we need. I wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone. "I'm sorry" sounds genuine because I'm sorry to anyone that has to go through this experience. 

“We have added you to our prayer list/We’re thinking about you guys.”  This has to be the most comforting feeling for me. Even if others don’t understand what we’re going through, just knowing that people are rooting for us, praying, thinking about us, etc makes all the difference. It gives us hope. It gives us a reason to keep trying and not be afraid of the next procedure that we’re about to take on. It makes me feel like we will have someone to share our success story (should it happen) with. Having support gives us the strength in this battle.

“How did your appointment go? What’s next on the list of procedures?” Now that Nick and I have openly shared our struggle with our family, friends, and blog followers…it’s not a hush-hush story. It’s not taboo to talk about. Please check in with us. We’ll be happy to share the latest news and developments! Sometimes we NEED to get it off our chest. We appreciate and love anyone that cares enough to follow us.  I know that we may not have an exciting life, but to us, any development= excitement! Also, Nick isn't "too manly" to share his feelings. Don't be afraid to talk to him about it. Some days he's in need of encouragement too!

“When it does happen, you two are going to be great parents.” This gives us hope for the future as well. Even though our baby isn’t a 100% in our life, we have something to hold on to, reach for, and dream about. We’d like to think we’re going to be great parents. We won’t be perfect, but we’ll sure as heck try. It's nice to hear that eventually we will be able to seek others' parenting advice. I can't wait to share what kind of team Nick and I make. 

 

Just Be There– Words aren’t always necessary. I would really like for some of my friends to “just be there.” It sounds so simple, yet I have lost support from many of my friends. I haven’t been able to rely on some of my friends to just listen to me cry, hug me, or let me vent my frustrations. The friends that I am closest to are the ones that have really “just been there.” Just sit with me and listen. I only ask that you return the loyalty that I may show in supporting you throughout your life. 

This didn't stem from anything in particular. I just know that many people have wanted to talk to us about this and don't know what to say/do. I am not a "baby Nazi" either. You can certainly talk about your baby with me! In fact, it gives me my baby fix! I held a beautiful baby over the weekend. It felt wonderful having her in my arms. It actually made me have a good day. :0) 

Nick and I are about to approach a big step in our infertility battle. We'll be starting our first IUI round soon. There's a lot more to it than we even thought. So...if you notice we're stressed, you know what you can do! If you want to ask us how it's going, you know that you're welcome to ask! 

Thank you for all your support and prayers! We're nervous, scared, and excited to try the next step!