Tomorrow I must go into the lab for another beta testing. We've been losing the baby since Saturday. At this point, I just want this to happen so that we can get through it and move forward. I think I'm about six weeks. :0( It sounds amazing saying that, but knowing that I'm losing my child as I type is very hard.
Nick and I have decided to join the community center again. We plan on working out, lightly at first. I want to use this time to try and strengthen my body even more.
Speaking of my body, I had acupuncture last night. It was sad and uplifting all at once. Dr. Hong felt my pulse and said that my body obviously still has too much HCG in it because my body is still "feeling pregnant".
Once my beta drops low enough, my body will better recognize that this is a miscarriage and it will happen more quickly. Right now, I'm at an uncomfortable stage. I'm just ready for the process to speed up a bit. I don't want to forget, but I want to move forward.
I did get some good news. We get to start trying sooner than I thought. As soon as my beta reads "not pregnant" and I have gone through the loss, I should expect a period in 4-6 weeks.
As soon as my period starts, we will start Clomid as planned before. It will be my fourth round but it's at a stronger dose this time- 100mg. I'll take it days three through seven as before. I'll also do the HSG to still check on my tubes and uterus shape. We'll also go through with the IUI.
I have much hope. I am at a much better place. I have accepted everything and I look forward to trying again.
Nick said that maybe next time we find out we're pregnant, we'll have a great beta to start us out and things will go smoothly. I have faith.
When I received all of this information regarding our plan, Dr. Figge's nurse took time to check on me. She told me for what it's worth to think one or two things:
1) My body worked. I DID get pregnant. My body DID recognize that something wasn't quite right with our baby.
2) God took our baby because He knew this too.
I did find peace in this. Of course I wonder why. Of course I am a bit angry. I have to try my best not to think any more into that. I just have to trust that God was in charge and there was a reason for blessing us and taking our baby away shortly after.
Nick and I are doing fine. Again, these experience have done nothing but bring us closer. I'm so proud to know a man like Nick, let alone have the privilege of being his wife. I can only continue to look forward to the day that we are holding our child in our arms.
A Journey of HOPE and FAITH in one day sharing our love with our child...
And what a beautiful journey it is...
Anger, pain, grief are all normal at this time, but honey, one thing you must try very hard to do, and I am still struggling with this all these years later, DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!! IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!! Keep those two things in mind and grieve for the loss of you baby, but don't let it consume you. It does get easier to deal with and talk about, but each person has their own time frame for this to happen. I still find it hard to talk about my first one, and I lost him in 1995. It never will go away entirely, but there will be days at a time you won't think about it and wonder. But the wonder is always going to be there. And you know in your heart that one day you will be together again and you will recognize each other. I firmly believe that. That is what keeps me going and keeps me trying one last time for a son.
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