The Cat's Out of the Bag!!!!: Joy vs. Fear and Now Seeking Prayers

I really didn't want to share anything just yet. As you can read from my previous posts, I have been pretty negative about the success of the IUI that we did this month. I didn't take a pregnancy test yesterday morning (if you read my previous post, you'll know why). I wanted to start accepting that we didn't conceive.

I had an acupuncture appointment yesterday at 4:30. I stopped by the house first. I decided to take a pregnancy test for two reasons:

1) I decided that I didn't want Dr. Hong to tell me I wasn't pregnant and not already have it set in my head. She's such a positive person. Having her feel my pulse and telling me, "I'm sorry" wouldn't have gone well, considering I had to sit home alone afterwards. I figured if I saw a negative pregnancy test, I would handle her news better.

2) I can admit I still had some hope. I was exhausted at school yesterday. I'm not talking tired. I'm talking about being unable to hold my eyes open during my prep- feeling like I could sleep peacefully on top of my desk.

I got home around 3:50. I peed in a dish, put the test in for five seconds, capped the test, set it down, and set the timer for 3 minutes. I took the dog outside, put food in her bowl, etc. For the first time, I didn't stare at a pregnancy test. The alarm beeped. I took my time into the bathroom where my heart stopped.

I am pregnant! After a loss almost two months ago, almost at seventeen months of trying for a baby, I am pregnant a second time!

I immediately bawled my eyes out. No one was in the house with me (Nick is working second shift now.) I immediately called my friend "C" from work because I couldn't believe it. I was going to ask her to come over to look. I was on the phone with her and she told me to use the digital. I told her that I had already dipped the digital. She then realized that she was basically live with my fate ha! She asked me when I dipped it and I told her a minute or so ago. No sooner than I said that, the beautiful word, "PREGNANT" showed up on the screen. I lost all control!

God has answered our prayers yet again! God is giving us our take home baby! I screamed, cried, laughed, said a few "Oh my God, I'm pregnant's!" and thanked Him over and over. I told C I had to call Nick at work.

I did just that. As soon as he answered, I shouted, "I'm pregnant." He immediately laughed happy tears. We were both in shock. It's going to work. This is going to happen. I told our immediate family. We decided not to share with the world this time because it makes others uncomfortable when they asked how the baby was doing and I had to say, "It didn't work out." I wasn't afraid so much, but I don't want it to be awkward for others. We agreed that we'd wait for a heartbeat before sharing with the world.

I stayed up with Nick last night and we talked and talked. We were so positive about this pregnancy.

I tried calling Dr. Figge all night last night so that I could get into the lab right away today. The office was closed and the on call nurse's number wasn't on the voicemail for some strange reason.

I even called the lab myself and tried to persuade them to draw blood and do a beta because I'd be coming anyway ha! They told me they couldn't just stick me without doctor's orders. Such rule followers! :0)

I EVEN called Dr. Lang (my regular OBGYN). He told me he can't step on my RE's toes. I'm technically not his patient for pregnancy until I "graduate" from Dr. Figge's. (I'm considered high risk so I have to stay with Figge and his staff until I'm 7-8weeks along). Once I graduate, I'm released to Dr. Lang's care.

This was the joy part of my blog. I'm so over the moon, grateful, happy, etc.

It all changed today...

It's like the nightmare is repeating over again. I had my beta draw at 11:30ish this afternoon. I received my results after school. My beta is 43. If it's over 5, you're pregnant. You'd think this is a good number, right?

I thought so too.

One of Figge's nurses called me. She told me that it's nothing FOR SURE yet, but they want me to be "cautiously optimistic." I immediately cried. These were the same words given to me in September. I lost the baby two weeks after they said this to me.

They told me that there are things going great for this pregnancy. I got a positive test BEFORE I even missed my period. My period should have started today or tomorrow. I had a VERY faint positive on November 26th. It wasn't enough for me to believe it though. I was 11 days post ovulation that day. Last night, I was 13 days past ovulation. It was a great time for a positive! My progesterone is high, which means the baby has a great, squishy wall to burrow in. I had two large follicles so a possibility of releasing two juicy eggs (twins). Last pregnancy, I didn't get a positive test until 19 days past ovulation (6 days after a missed period) and the beta was low. I'm not spotting, my temps are up, etc.

I have a higher beta this time AND it's before a missed period. Why is it considered LOW?

They told me that they usually like to see the first beta at 100. Now, they did say that it could just be a matter of it's early! They said if I'm really a day before my period is due, the beta should be 50. Well even then, I'm off by 7.

I just don't get it. I cried a little, but quickly dried my tears. Here we go again. I am so, so scared of losing this baby. I can't handle this again. I started crying again but snapped into the momma bear mode. It doesn't matter how little this baby is, it's a baby and how I act affects this baby. I have to stay calm for him/her. And that's what I'm doing.

We now have to wait until MONDAY for another lab. Nick and I are forced to try and be patient for the next four days. I don't know what I'm going to do, but it's going to involve me trying to stay relaxed for this bean.

The reason I'm sharing our pregnancy news now, is because we need prayers! Please say a prayer for us. Please pray that my beta was just low because it's early and our little bean is just getting comfortable. Please pray that my numbers quadruple by Monday. Please pray that our baby sticks and that this baby is our healthy take home baby. Please pray for peace for us.

I have thanked God every few minutes to hours for this second miracle, this second chance. I'm not posting stuff on FB. I feel that I shouldn't put our "drama" on there. That's why I write about our experience here. I figure that the people that visit this are the ones that don't mind. The people that are reading this are the ones praying for us.

I'm writing in hopes that I can get all my prayer warriors praying for us. This is what Nick and I have really turned to. It took us hitting rock bottom on this journey to really find God. We you feel that low, you tend to grasp anything that gives you hope. The hope that we have found is our faith in God. We're going to do our best in giving this to God. We're going to pray like crazy so that he continues to hear our hearts' desires.

I'll leave you with pictures of our happy moment last night. Thank you so much!
We love you all,
Lyndsey and Nick

Feeling icky this morning and LOVING it!