Tomorrow's Milestone

Tomorrow marks one of [hopefully] many milestones in this pregnancy, the goal- a growing baby with a heartbeat. This is the farthest we have gone in our journey to parenthood. As Nick has said, "This is the the most afraid I have ever been." I couldn't agree more. Our home is crazy right now. We have an atmosphere full of love and support for one another during this uncertain time, but there's also a certain eeriness, a silent tension we're feeling. We are both fearing the same thing, but hoping for the best.

I am bracing myself. It's going to be a long walk into the u/s room tomorrow.

Whatever happens, my heart will be overflowing with emotion. If our baby is ok, my heart be overwhelmed will happiness, love, relief, etc. If something is wrong, I will be overwhelmed with sadness, hurt, anger, and more.

I honestly don't know what I'm going to do if things go wrong. I feel like I'll want to give up. I am scared I'll have a heart of stone and no emotion left. We made it through the last time, but I don't think I can this time. Last time, we pretty much knew from the moment we found out that something was wrong. Things are so much better this time around. There's no reason for it NOT to be right. I guess I started dreaming of holding, snuggling, bathing, feeding, playing with our little one right away. Once I realized how confident I was, I immediately became scared and put my guard back up.

I have been praying and praying. I literally dropped to my knees doing dishes the other night and just asked God to hear me and let this be our take-home baby. I know it's all in His time. I guess I thought I could persuade him to let this baby be "His time" for us, right here right now.

I  know one this is for sure...I have one ridiculously amazing husband that will catch me. He has assured me that I'm not alone and he'd be right here with me. This journey has done some damage to me. He has helped me heal so much.

I know that we have an overwhelming amount of support in prayers from our family and friends. And we appreciate this beyond words.

Thank you.