Remembering Where I Came From...

Tonight, as I sit with a stack of papers in my lap begging to be graded, I find myself distracted by the thought of motherhood.

I sit here, looking at my belly and smile. How blessed we are. How grateful we will forever be.

I think back to this journey and tell myself, "It's not over yet." This journey never ends. Once baby comes, we'll have a new journey to begin. This time, it will be my loving husband, our beautiful child, our one-of-a-kind pup, and myself...our family. It won't be easy, but will it ever be rewarding.

I look back at this trying to conceive journey and my heart still aches, not just with my own personal pain and struggle, but others' unfortunate infertility story as well. I wish I could make it all go away for others.

I remember when Nick agreed he was ready to start trying. It was music to my ears (I have dreamed of being a mommy since the age of five). We had it all planned out. We'd start trying a few months before our wedding. This way, our baby would be born when school was out for the summer and I'd have an easier transition back to work.

We'd get pregnant right away and life would be good.

Little did we know, 18 months later, three failed fertility drug attempts, a surprise pregnancy that sadly ended in the loss of our first angel, a month off, a 4th round of drugs, trigger shot, and IUI later, we'd finally be here.

I haven't forgotten where we came from...

Every negative test, every method of trying for a baby, every month of dwindling hope suddenly restored with each new "technique" was quite exhausting. The fear constantly haunting us..."What if we'll never have a baby?" The constant feeling of inadequacy. The feeling of being broken. The depression. The sadness. It was such a dark place for us. I remember the jealousy. I hate feeling jealous. It's such an ugly feeling to have inside. I dreaded baby showers, not because I wasn't happy for the person, but the hurt of not knowing what it felt like. The hurt of not being able to contribute to the baby/motherhood/pregnancy conversation or experience stung like hell. I still sometimes see others that are given children and I question why? Why are some given children when others out there are desperately praying for one? Why do women have to give their angels away sometimes?

I am only 11 weeks. Dr. Raconne said something to me. She told me, "Nothing is impossible, but it's rare to lose a baby after 10 weeks."

I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I am here. I'm almost 11 weeks and I am here with my baby. We still have a long road ahead of us, but I am so happy.

The past's memories never go away but I can say that it doesn't matter how long we tried. All that matters right here right now is that we have a healthy baby growing inside of me. My heart still hurts for our first angel in Heaven but I know he is watching over our family. I know he is rooting for his baby sister or brother right now.

All I can do right now is be thankful. All I feel right now is pure happiness. Nick and I are so completely, utterly, stunned by this overwhelming feeling. The past has moved us forward, the present is wonderful, and the future is looking bright. We're going to have our baby.

I know if I had the chance to sit with Him for just a coffee or something right now, I'd tell Him, "I have no idea what your plan was for me, what it may be, but I am forever in debt to you even more than before. Thank you for our second chance. Thank you for telling us it's our time now. I promise you that we will think twice before ever taking our child for granted. I will promise this baby a life of love, support, and happiness. This child will be raised knowing how big of a miracle he/she is. This baby will have a mother and father that love each other forever and unconditionally. Thank you for this blessing."

As always, please continue to pray for us as our journey continues to move forward. I am no where near my delivery date, so I still need support. I will always need support no matter where were are in this story.

I also ask that you pray for someone out there who's begging God to not only hear their heart's desire, but answer their prayers soon. I have a list of girls who are more than deserving for their miracle. Please pray for my friend "S", "N", and the girls that I chat with each day on FF.