Ordinary People, Ordinary Life...Extraordinary Love: My First Baby Shower...

Pre First Shower Update

Baby showers...

They're so much fun! Women get together to laugh, celebrate, and stare at the mommy-to-be's beautiful baby bump. Great cake, fun games, and sweet moments of awwwwwww over the tiny little onesie held in the air.

I have always LOVED baby showers until I struggled with infertility. I hosted and attended several showers throughout our "trying to conceive" years. It's not easy. It's not easy at all. The world doesn't stop because I, ME, MYSELF had a problem. And I was ok with that. I understood that. So why was it so hard to sit through someone else's shower? I was genuinely happy for the proud mommas-to-be. I couldn't wait to meet her son or daughter. But it was just so damn hard. If you have never thought about this, please do for a moment.

Imagine a woman who would give ANYTHING to know what it felt like to be a mommy, to feel a little one inside, to have others love on your growing belly, to have others love YOUR child more than anything before he/she even arrives.

Women who have struggled to become mothers have had time to think about all the things she's missing out on. She's had time to visualize and dream what her nursery would look like, what theme she'd choose, what baby names may be shared, etc. Chances are, she has it all planned out.

Imagine wanting something so badly and never knowing if you will be able to live this dream, making it a reality.

Now put that woman in the environment where every woman in the room (or at least is seems like it) is talking about their children, their labor/birth experience, breastfeeding tips, do's and don'ts, what brand baby liked over another, etc. The "childless woman" is left feeling like she can't contribute (even though she very well could with other experiences). It's a "rude" (even though no one is being rude) awakening that you're missing out on a life experience and there's no sure sign that you'll ever experience motherhood/parenthood (at least from carrying a child in the womb).

These were my own personal feelings that I have gone through. I can't speak for all women, but I can say that baby showers were lovely for the last two and a half years and I would never miss one, but the end result always involved me crying on Nick's shoulder, demanding answers from God, asking God, "WHEN will it be my turn? When will I become a mother?"

I always managed to be strong enough to keep it together during a shower and let that deserving momma have her time. I wasn't superwoman behind closed doors. The pain would ball up from my stomach, to my throat and remain there until a good cry at home made it go away.

I have never longed something so much in my life.

If you remember my last baby shower post, I had a crazy experience. I wasn't sad. I wasn't feeling sorry for myself. I was happy because I said, "I'm next."

I found myself immediately regretting that thought because I then feared that I had jinxed myself by being so happy and so sure that my pregnancy would go just fine and I would have a take-home baby in August. I cried yet again because I had put fear back into myself. It was irrational thinking and I wished that I could turn it off.

Today is MY FIRST baby shower, hosted by the wonderful people that I enjoy teaching with. I had mixed feelings about this day about two weeks ago. That fear of jixing things and/or feeling too happy and proud....I don't know how I'll feel today.

Right now, I feel a bit odd sharing how vulnerable I am with the world, but I keep telling myself that somewhere out there I'm giving someone hope. I'm giving someone a shoulder. I'm letting someone know who's reading this that you're normal for all these thoughts! I'm anxious to post how things went. As of right now, I'm excited. I'm elated to have people who are just as happy about this amazing little boy growing inside of me. Please say a prayer that I can continue to live in the moment and not fear the what if's. In this moment, I have a healthy boy, growing like crazy in my belly. In this moment, I am counting down the time until we open Gavin's presents, welcoming him into this world and family full of love for him.

Post First Shower Update

I am happy to report that I had no anxiety or fear during my shower. It was wonderful. Nick and I are so thankful for the generous gifts we received from my little family at school. They did a wonderful job on incorporating our monster theme. :0) I'm a happy momma and I can't wait for our little man to get here!