My "Perfect" Not-So-Perfect Life...

Today's post is inspired by a conversation I had during lunch with a fellow teacher friend of mine. She was reminding me of a comment she left me on Facebook about wanting a "slap button" when I posted that I was worried about my three-month-old son sleeping nine hours through the night. Me being the new mom that I am, was concerned that he was sleeping TOO WELL. Anyway...

We were on the topic of Facebook and discussing how some people only share the good things in their life to show how perfect they are. After giggling, I told them I felt like I saw more negative than positive on my Facebook's newsfeed some days. I came to the simple conclusion that people will post what they want to post- rightfully so. I personally would rather hear and see all the good things happening in one's life than the negative. But I also understand what people mean when saying others share their "perfect life" through their social media screen to portray just that.

I often scroll through Facebook and roll my eyes at a few individuals' rants and raves because to me, it's petty. But I genuinely say, "Who am I to judge?" People can also say the same about my posts when I rant and rave.

To be honest, I rarely complain on Facebook. I do use it [social media] to post hundreds of pictures of my son so that my family and friends can see him grow. I also assume that everyone is just as obsessed with my kid as I am. Not the case at all, and that's ok! I don't like to put negativity on Facebook. I usually focus on just the positive, or the meaningless thoughts that I have throughout the day. I also use my blog for the more personal stuff. I figure that the people who really want to know more about my personal life that I'm willing to share, will visit this blog.

I can share without hesitation that my life is NOT perfect. No one's is! I'll be honest though...it is perfect to me, when generally speaking. I have always said I wanted THREE things mostly in life...to be a teacher, to be Nick's wife, and to be a mother. I have all three. I'm happy! We also have a home, our health, and an awesome dog. I don't really feel like I have much to complain about.

Also, we are all fighting a battle. All of us. We all have items or scenarios in different places on priority lists. Infertility and losing a baby were my and Nick's all time low. We had a very rough time dealing with both and we didn't bounce back as well as some people have. We are very sensitive in this area and still are. To others, it may not be a big deal...and that's ok too! I think that is why I don't sweat the small stuff near as much as I used to. I have learned things can always be worse! Even in our fertility struggle it could have been worse. Anyway, once our son arrived I said I would never ask God for another thing, and that's not true either.

I pray every night that he keeps my family and I healthy. I don't feel that I am allowed to complain a whole lot because I do feel pretty blessed with my "perfect" not-so-perfect life. I TRY to focus on that. Life is pretty darn good, but it may be fun to share some of the things that aren't so perfect or pretty, ranging from petty to sensitive, depending how others perceive it.

So...I give you my fifty not-so-perfect list on my perfectly not-so-perfect life...

1) Our savings account has dwindled to an uncomfortable level in the last few months.
2) Our truck is going into the shop on Monday and will probably drain our savings account even more so.
3) My ankles are still swelling thirteen weeks postpartum and I am a hypochondriac. They are testing my kidney and heart and I fear the worst.
4) I have no relationship with my siblings and it kills me but I have to keep certain toxicity away from me and my family because it's best. I'm treated as though I think I'm better than them and put down because I did what was best for me and that was to move away and follow my dreams.
5) I am 9lbs from my pre pregnancy weight...but still have another 60lbs to go from there.
6) I am super jealous of runners and wish I would stop making excuses and just train so that I too can run.
7) The laundry load is sometimes washed a second time because I didn't get it into the dryer in time before it began to stink.
8) As much as we prayed for Gavin and wanted him, the first week home scared me. It was so overwhelming that I worried if I was going to be a good mother.
9) When I brush my teeth, my arm and belly jiggles.
10) I sometimes buy a king size chocolate bar at Walgreens and eat it all before getting home because I have no self control and I don't want Nick to see me eating it.
11) I yell at my dog for "being in the way" when in all reality I will one day not have her and wish for her to be under my feet.
12) There are times I cry because I want to get away with Nick and not have to worry if Gavin will be ok. I wouldn't trade ANYTHING but one thing about parenthood that isn't so fun is the constant worrying over your child's well being.
13) I now value my life much more because I think about how it will affect Gavin and Nick. Before, it never dawned on me that I have one body, one life. And that is sad.
14) We still haven't purchased curtains or night stand for our bedroom because we find other places for our money to go. Our room looks like crap.
15) When the laundry is dried, it often sits on the couch or in the laundry basket for days or until it is worn and dirty again.
16) There are nights that I dread taking a shower, just because I'm so exhausted and it is even more work. There are also nights that a hot shower feels like a spa.
17) I have a hard time finding balance between my roles. If I feel that I'm being a good mother, I feel that I'm lacking in the teaching or wife department and vise versa. When I try to be great at all three roles, I am my worst critic.
18) Despite how proud I am of it, and it reminds me of the gift of pregnancy, I have a "mom pouch" that shows in my pants. I'm super self conscious about it. It depends on what kind of day I'm having, on how I look at it.
19) We can't afford a good quality photographer. And I cried over it. We've never been rich. Never will be. But I said we'd never say we couldn't do something family oriented due to lack of liquid money, and I have realized it does happen no matter how hard you try.
20) The heat in our house was turned on earlier than usual because we have a baby. If we didn't, we'd try to stick it out as long as possible to save every penny in the utility department.
21) Overall, Nick and I eat healthier, but we still sometimes fall into periods of grabbing the high sodium, super fake, instant pasta sides, junk food, and quick meals because we just don't feel like doing the prep for eating clean.
22) Most of the time, we have an open door bathroom policy.
23) I'm quick to lose patience with my mom, even when she comes all the way up here to help.
24) Our carpet is slowly not so clean. There are times Gavin pukes on it and I don't even clean it up.
25) A lot, and what I mean by that is none of the home improvement plans have launched since Gavin's birth. The only room that is done is his.
26) We based our funding of a fenced back yard and deck on our tax return...and it's probably not going to happen because we like to save our money for when craptastic things occur all at once.
27) We have to renew our home warranty that we can't afford to cover emergencies that we DEFINITELY can't afford.
28) We hate our car. It's not big enough. When we load our entire family up, I'm in the back seat so that Kendi can sit up front to avoid drooling on Gavin. Diaper bag, suitcase, dog food, etc is shoved between seats and in the trunk.
29) I feel guilty for going to work sometimes. I want to stay at home with Gavin until he's at least a year, and it's not in our cards.
30) We sneak into bed every night like drunk teenagers so that we don't risk waking up our son.
31) We have both had some meltdowns.
32) Nick's wardrobe consists of work jeans, home jeans, and a couple tshirts.
33) My wardrobe is thrown on the floor every morning because I get fed up with not having clothes that make me feel good.
34) I buy cheap laundry soap and it pisses me off. I keep thinking Tide will preserve the nice clothes that I have, but I'm not willing to pay the extra money.
35) We tell our dog to get a job each time she puts us into some type of financial shenanigans.
36) Nick and I are guilty of raising our voices in front of Gavin when we said we never would.
37) We still do not attend a church and it has been something we have been saying we're going to do for quite some time.
38) Nick still hasn't put the rest of the screws into the end tables, hung some framed pictures, and other items on the "honey do" list and these were items placed on the list when I was six months pregnant.
39) We have lived in our house for almost a year and haven't spoken more than a few sentences to our neighbors.
40) I have a hard time feeling accepted sometimes. I still sometimes feel out of place.
41) Nick and I usually get in arguments at the grocery store. For some reason we argue over dinner choices, spending, who is guilty of buying duplicates of food items at home and wasting money, etc.
42) Nick and I have been guilty of being grouchy with each other during late night feedings.
43) I have used television to keep my child entertained for a moment when I said I never would. God bless Baby Einsteins.
44) I have cried over lack of sleep a few times.
45) I still wake up checking to see if Gavin is breathing at night.
46) I really need socks and underwear and I won't just buy the damn things because I don't want to spend money.
47) We sometimes find it funny to flip each other off with our son's cute, stubby middle finger.
48) I packed expired premade formula bottles once and didn't realize it until it was time for Gavin to eat. We were at Chili's. Nick had to leave to buy nursery water to mix with some powder that I had. Our food was cold. It was our first date together in a long time. And we forgot the water when we paid our bill to leave.
49) We are guilty of being on our phones too much and have had to set limits of when it's acceptable to be playing on them.
50) I held a grudge against old friends and family and it took me a long time to learn to forgive them and tell myself it's ok to move forward without them in my life. 

These are just a few of the not-so-perfect things in my perfect, not-so-perfect life. I wouldn't change a thing...well, of course I would. But at the end of the day...we are married, have each other, we have our son, we're healthy, living in our house, eating food, and our bills are paid.

So even though we're overweight, a little stressed, and don't have the liquid money to spend on a quick getaway, full of fattening foods and and overpriced entertainment...

I love my life. It is perfect in it's own little way. 

So there you have it...my perfect, not-so-perfect life...