Get Out of My Head!

I believe acupuncture has already helped in keeping the anxiety and stress down. I don't think my brain will ever turn off to the topic of starting a family. My brain just can't shut off what my heart is hurting for. We're coming close to 13 months of trying. I really couldn't be in a better spot, other than pregnant. We know what's wrong, I have great doctors, we're trying one of the several different options we have, acupuncture, I'm losing weight, etc.

I had a dream last night that they called with my progesterone check from yesterday and Clomid didn't work this round. I then started seeing all the things we had to go through, including IVF and still...no baby.

I know it's just a dream but today I am just feeling blue. I don't know if it's because of the dream, or just part of the two week wait.

I am trying to be positive but my gut is telling me we didn't get pregnant this month. And I already want to cry. Wouldn't it be awesome if this is part of the plan- to make me feel like we're out yet again, but I am shocked by amazing, life-changing news? Yea...that seems like a dream, too.

Nick's aggravated with me because he feels there's no reason for me to be sad today. I am just emotionally tired. We haven't even gotten very far in the fertility journey and I'm already tired. I can't imagine how the women going through this for several years and then doing IVF feel. I guess that feeling just doesn't go away and that's why we all keep trucking along in this journey. Right when we decide to give up, we decide, well next month could be our month. And I guess right there is the definition of hope. I say I don't have any left, yet when I think about quitting and going back to life without fertility help, I think, "What if next month was our month but I gave up too soon?" That slightest bit of hope keeps us going.

We won't give up. Today is just another one of those days that I feel like crying. I feel like listing the reasons why I deserve a baby and someone else doesn't. I'm not God. I can't judge or justify why things are the way they are for people. I don't understand why a young, unstable teen girl that hasn't even begun her life gets pregnant, and I can't. I don't understand why God put me in a position where I can't contribute to any stories of giving birth, feeling pregnant, being a mother, comparing my first pregnancy to the second, where I found a good deal on diapers, etc. He only gives us what we can handle. Does He really think I am strong enough for this?

If my progesterone comes back great, and we don't get pregnant, I just don't know what is going on. We couldn't be doing anything else any better than we have. What a frustrating feeling.

As you can see, the thoughts for today aren't the most positive thoughts that have left my head, but if you have been reading these often, you know that my/our attitude towards this changes daily, sometimes hourly.

Here's to hope!