Hoping to Avoid Another Bump in the Road...

Dr. Figge's office called me today. Everything is going to be preauthorized until December 31st. We then have to go through the process of getting approval again. I don't think that is a big issue.

My HSG is covered. My IUI isn't covered, yet. (It is, but it isn't.) IF my tubes are clear, my IUI will be covered. If my tubes are blocked...I guess it's not. The procedure is $371 so we can manage to cover that if insurance decides that they will not...but there's not point. Conception takes place in the tube. The nurse was explaining all of this to me.

I then asked, "What happens if my tubes are blocked?"

She then replied, "Well...we could do surgery to unblock them but it would just grow scar tissue back. The surgery would be as much as IVF. If your tubes are blocked, we actually recommend going  to IVF."

As soon as she said that, I realized I needed to take back what I wrote yesterday. IVF scares me. It scares me a lot. We're much closer to it than we thought. The thought that we may even have to move right to this was a lot to take in, or at least take in that I had to take it in.

I was ignorant to IVF just a year ago. It wasn't until we started going through fertility that I understood. And what's sad is that I still don't understand how it feels because I haven't gone through it. It's a $16,000 procedure that doesn't guarantee a take-home baby. It's a long, exhausting process. It's a process that requires $5,000 in medication. Pills, injections, creams, etc. It requires days and days of blood work. It requires perfect timing of the administering of medication. It requires ultrasound monitoring. It requires surgery, rest, and so many of the emotions that I have carried in almost 15 months into one cycle. There are moral decisions that have to be made. Do we want to spend $5,000 to freeze our eggs? If we die, will our eggs be donated to science or thrown out? Should we donate them to another woman? How many are we willing to implant? Do we pick the sperm that will fertilize the egg or will we let nature take it's course? Do we want to have the eggs tested for genetic disorders before placing them in my uterus? It's very, very big stuff. I know we'll be faced with this decision if the three IUI's don't work, but at least then I'll know it's because the doctors tried everything else before. I don't want to find out that something else in my body "isn't right."

I took a pregnancy test today...like an idiot. I haven't purchased tests in three cycles. I guess my acupuncturist gave me so much hope that I did start to believe that there was no going on with fertility. I too thought this would be our month. I still haven't started yet, but I still have a few days to go. Tonight was a rough night for me. Nick's mood changed after I took the test. I had to come out of the bathroom and share the news that he was not a daddy. I have become so numb to that...I still feel crushed inside but I can't even cry like I used to. I simply looked at him and said, "Well..it's the sound of disappointment." I failed again. I know his mood didn't change because he blames me. I know he's just bummed, but I can't help but hurt because now my own husband hurts because I can't give him children. Not yet anyway.

I guess tonight I'm seeking what I have been asking for throughout this journey. Prayer. Please pray for us. Please pray that my HSG comes back clear. I want my tubes to be clear and I want my uterus to be conducive to a growing life inside my body. I pray that God will give us this. I do not want to go through IVF. If we must, then of course I will and I do want to do it if that's our only option! I'll do anything for our baby. I guess I just want easy means to the end. I hope I don't sound selfish.

At this point, I'm just ready to start my period, keep my eye on the prize, and begin the HSG and IUI. I do have a lot of optimism that it will all work out. I just have the "gift" of always looking into the future and thinking ahead. As I have aged, I've realized to really enjoy the present. It makes more sense however, avoiding the future is a challenge when going through all of this.

If you are how I was at one point and unsure of IVF, check out the video below. It's a pretty good one. It leaves out some of those stressful moral decisions to make, but it gives you the gist.

I'm just going to hold my hubby's hand, maybe even a bit tighter, and continue on this journey to parenthood.