Checking Out...

Call me a Negative Nancy but I'm calling it a "no go" for this cycle now. I'm three days away from a new cycle and I tested, AGAIN. Only this time, not even a line to squint over. I eagerly woke up this morning (to test) because I guess a part of me thought maybe I was pregnant, even though I tried to push that high hope out of the way for the time being.


Dr. Figge's office called me yesterday to give me my progesterone level. (They didn't know the lab already told me.) Mara ended her voicemail with, "Call us with your positive urine test, or the first day of your menstrual cycle." I want to call her and say, "I love you guys, I'll pay extra for you to make me pregnant right now. I'm calling for that to happen." I have to face it. I am probably going to call them this weekend to get the next protocol for the next cycle.


I have to start accepting that we didn't conceive, even with great things going for us. I have to accept it now because it takes me that long sometimes. I almost have to get a running start from disappointment before it swallows me at once.

I feel myself starting to fill my pool of pity. The why me's? Why can't it come easily? Why is everyone else around me pregnant? Why was our miracle baby taken from us? Will I ever be a mother? Will I ever make my amazing husband a father? What am I doing wrong?

I have a lot to be thankful for. I responded well to the drugs (both oral and injection) and I produced two great follices. The hubby had a super count and I had a strong ovulation with a safe progesterone level. It could be worse. None of this matters if we're not getting a baby from this though.

We're approaching our now, 17th month of trying for a family. Almost a year and a half ago, I didn't foresee us being on this road.

I am not going to give up though. We aren't going to give up. I just wish that we could be given some sign. I want to fall to my knees and just beg God to tell me what He wants us to do. Do you want us to keep trying? Are you still testing me? Is it time to throw in the towel? Am I just not meant to be a mother? Do you want us to adopt? How long are we supposed to wait before we do? Just tell me what we're supposed to do. We're approaching that IVF option quickly. Do we spend $20,000 for a chance at parenthood or put that towards adopting a little boy or girl that needs us. Hell, I don't even know if my insurance will cover this yet. I may be coming to an end of the road for all I know.

I saw a comment similar to what I'm making on someone's blog. "Hey stork, in case you are lost, we're on Neptune Street. We're ready for you to deliver our baby."

Praying today for a clear mind and to continue to feel God near me. I could really use the prayers.