I feel the same way about quotes. Sometimes you have to borrow other people's words to best explain how you feel. I recently came across a quote that read,
“Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ”
Nick has been the only person in my life that I have felt overwhelmed by the amount of love I felt for him. Of course I love my family, especially my mom and dad- but I don't think the love that you feel for your parents is one that overwhelms you. I think you just know you love the people/person that has dedicated his/her/their life in raising you in the very best way possible. It is just a known fact that you will love your parent(s) forever. It is an unconditional love as well.
I'm talking about the kind of love that almost makes you want to scream, or cry, or shout it out over an intercom. Nick makes me feel that way, even after being together almost eleven years and married for two. I never thought I would be introduced to another type of love that even compared to this...and I have. I never thought I could love Nick in other/additional ways...and I do.
Since Gavin's arrival and bonding, the love for this boy is ridiculous. Nick and I have more love than we know what to do with and we give it all to him. Gavin and Nick really are my heart outside of my body. My world, universe, galaxy, is right there in front of me. It sounds so cheesy, sappy, over-the-top, and more- but I mean every bit of it. It's almost like an outer body experience when I watch the two of them interact. It's like everything I am, want to be, feel, breathe, is right there outside of my body. All of the emotions humans experience, is right there. They make me the happiest I'll ever be in my life. They also make me the most afraid because the thought of never seeing them again ruins me. I'm watching it all. In a way, it's a very vulnerable feeling ha! Anyone now knows my weaknesses ha! Does that makes sense?
I know I'm not just a mother or a wife. I'm Lyndsey. Many have advised me that we tend to get wrapped up in our roles as mothers and wives. But two of the few most important roles in my life are those two roles. My two boys gave me those roles. They gave me this feeling of importance, of belonging, of purpose. The feeling is so strong that it overwhelms me. I find myself laughing at Gavin's screeches, faces, etc and the happiness just overflows to the point I have to cry. How was I given such a beautiful gift? What did I do to deserve such an amazing husband and son? And then I thank God that Gavin and Nick are healthy. I find myself just saying thank you for the simple things. I never used to thank God for my health, another day of living, etc. It's funny how having a family changes you and turns you into a worry wart. And let's not forget a blubbering mess.
I watch Gavin sleep in my arms and study him. I look at the new hairs that lay softly on his head, the creases around his nose, the way his lips move while he's dreaming, the dimples in his hands and feet, and more. I have never admired anything this much or taken the time to really look at something and all the beauty in it...and in this case, him. I am in complete awe of this child. I get even more emotional when I think about the basic thought (yet more complex than anything) that he was once in my belly. Nick and I created him and I "grew him." It's all very surreal still.
I find myself in a daze and smiling ear to ear when I listen to Nick talk to his son. Sometimes I think Gavin hangs on every word that comes out of his daddy's mouth. And I can see why. Nick is already a wonderful father. He works so hard to support us. I don't worry about much while I'm at work because I know Nick is great. Not every wife feels that way. I know I didn't at first admittedly. That momma bear instinct makes you feel like no one can care for your baby as good as you can. As time has gone by, I have seen Nick gain confidence, bonding, and have a wonderful way with Gavin. I love him for taking such great care of our son. I love the fact that he went through the letter (no matter how ridiculously detailed it was for a veteran mother/sitter) with our babysitter on Gavin's first day of being watched. He showed our sitter how to make up bottles, took pictures, and even got emotional when leaving Gavin there. I love that my husband is in this 110%, fully committed and he's good at it. I love that he has ripped his shirt off to make skin to skin contact with our son when he needed soothed. I love that he washes bottles immediately. It's the little things that make me love him in a whole new way. I love that I find him even more attractive (and I didn't think that was possible) than before. I love that he reads to Gavin and reads with enthusiasm. I love that he loves being Gavin's father.
I love that none of this is perfect, no matter how naive I was and thought it would be. I originally thought it would be rainbows and butterflies because we had to struggle to get Gavin. I wouldn't complain because of what we went through to get Gavin here. I like that I can admit it's not always that way. Sure it is perfect generally speaking, but some days are downright tough. It doesn't mean I take our boy for granted. I don't struggle with sacrifice. I'd give Gavin and Nick my last breath if I had to. I struggle balancing being a good mother, wife, and teacher. I feel like when I do one role great, the others roles suffer. When I feel that I have done it all well in the day, I didn't take any me time and realize it by the time I crash on the couch. I struggle when Gavin throws screaming fits...not because I can't handle the crying or because I'm losing my temper, but because I get scared that something is wrong. I struggle with the idea that Gavin will get sick one day. He will have a fever. I watch him like a hawk then. I struggle when Nick and I are grouchy during some night time feedings with each other for no reason other than we're tired. I share this because I don't try to be perfect. I don't try to make it look like it's all perfect. There is no such thing. I will say this is the life I wanted. This is the life I have dreamed of. As long as we're healthy, I don't think I could ask for another thing.
I share all of this because I am fascinated with the fact that I have never done something so hard and exhausting in my life, and yet I'm eager to get up and do it all over again each and every day. It's insanity!
I tell Nick all the time that he and Gavin make me nuts! I am so crazy in love with both of them that it makes me crazy enough to love it all! Even the not-so-cute moments of parenthood, marriage, adulthood, etc.
This life. This beautiful life God has blessed me/us with is a wonderful life. I have changed in so many ways due to becoming a Mommy. My cup runneth over. I thank God for each day that I get to live with "my heart outside of my body."
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