Back on the Writing Wagon....

I have spent the last few months of my life off of the blogging scene. I haven't been on near as much as before. I don't exactly know why.

Maybe I don't have much to say? Maybe I feel like my life needs to be more private after sharing so much personal and emotional parts of my/our life before? Maybe I wanted to move forward, but never forget my journey?

I think it's a mixture of everything. And in all honesty....

I don't have time to write. I'm too tired. And it's a wonderful tired. Well, let's be honest. I don't like feeling tired, but I'm forever grateful and happy to have a miracle of a reason to be this worn out.

I'm spending my time chasing around my beautiful, beautiful son. I have a walking, talking, fit-throwing, cuddle loving, giggly boy. I am having the time of my life in all of this madness and exhaustion!

My life consists of waking him up at 6AM, making his breakfast, getting dressed, and dropping him off at his sitter's. I then go to work (as an elementary teacher), where I help educate and shape other young minds. I routinely check the clock and look forward to the minute I can leave to pick my son back up. Thankfully, I do have a career I love. At least I'm doing something else I enjoy/love while I'm away from my son. I do wish I could bring him to work ha!

I spend from 3:30PM to 7PM giving an after daycare snack, playing, helping my husband cook, eating dinner as a family, giving Gavin a bath, getting him into his jammies, playing with Gavin and his daddy, cuddles, reading bedtime stories, putting him to bed, cleaning up with Nick, relaxing/spending time with my husband, grading papers/lesson planning, showering, and going to bed myself.

I remember worrying how I would manage and juggle all of this. It's not easy, but I certainly learned!

Life is good. Gavin recently had surgery to place tubes in his ears for chronic ear infections. That was a crappy period (lots of illness), but I'm hopeful that the tubes will help!

I have had a lot of emotions lately. Sometimes I find myself sad. I think about how fast time is flying by. I want it to slow down. My son is almost fourteen months old. He's still a baby to me, but his first year of life really did show up out of nowhere. I miss the moments where he laid on my chest. I miss the moments where I literally needed to do everything for him because he needed me so much. The feeling of being needed is so powerful. But I also know my job is to let him grow into who he's supposed to be. I wouldn't be a good mother if I kept him from spreading his wings.

Those moments are now memories, and they have been replaced with other moments. Some of these moments are even sweeter than those sweet newborn recollections. I look at my son and and study him. I look at the perfectly placed dimples on his still chubby cheeks. I notice how deep the blue can appear in his wondrous eyes. I giggle at the gap between his two front teeth. My nose crinkles up when I see his perfect, button-nose. I can't get over how much he looks like his father. I smile at him because it's just impossible to comprehend the love that I feel for him. He smiles back at me and I become overwhelmed that this precious gift loves me too. He is now capable of showing me his love. Sometimes it's a seat on my lap. Other times I'm his couch of choice while watching cartoons. It's how he shares "bites" with me during meals. It's the kisses I may beg for for days that he finally decides to give during the most appropriate times. It's the happiness I see inside and out of this little boy. He explores the world and demonstrates just how pure children are. I have been brought to tears by watching him enjoy life's little moments- eating an Oreo cookie for the first time, feeling the wind on his face, touching a fallen leaf, or blade of grass. He has taught me to look a life through his lens, which has encouraged me to do the same...even when he's not around. I have learned to practice great gratitude. And I still thank God every single day for him.

I even thank God for the not-so-glorious moments. The dishes that sit in the sink. The laundry that waits too long in the washer and needs another wash cycle. The broken items and messes that our son makes. The bills that pile up that aren't as easily paid, now that we're parents of a growing toddler. The arguments my husband and I have over daily stress. I'm thankful for it all. It's part of life. And I'm happy to be alive to experience it all, both good and bad. I'm happy with who I share my life with.

I have also had exciting and horrifying thoughts. I love my time with my son. I like that it's just the three of us. I also know that we want more children, and we want them close in age. So here it is...

It's time to get back on the fertility journey. I'm not sure where we're going, how long it will take, or when we'll start, but it's time to start thinking about it.

On top of the normal fears, I have irrational fears. What if I resent a second child? Will I think he/she took my time away from Gavin? Is it possible to love another child as much as Gavin? Can I do it? What if I die during labor and leave the two most important people in my life behind? Can I even have another baby? Will my labor be just as dramatic as my first labor? Should I quit while I'm ahead? Do I want to go through fertility treatments again? Am I rocking the boat- life isn't perfect, but it's pretty perfectly imperfect to us right now.

I also have strong desires. We want our son to have a sibling. It is important to us to keep our children close in age. I miss the baby stage, I love being a mother, Nick loves being a father, so a house full of kids sounds wonderful!

I also feel guilty for not keeping in touch on here. I had so many wonderful blog followers, supporters, and friends on here. I have continued to support and advocate for my fellow Fertility Friends and more, but not on here. Facebook has been the go to. Please know that you're always on my mind and in my heart.

Life is interesting. Maybe it will become even more interesting. We'll just have to wait and see what we decide. For now, please think of us as we start thinking about life and the future!

I plan on writing again. I do miss it something fierce! I may not be the best writer in the world, but it's raw and does come from the heart. My hope has always been to bring people hope and faith, specifically on the infertility journey, but I have found that our story has helped in a number of other ways. I hope we can continue to do the same!

After shedding a few tears through my reflection, I think it's time for this exhausted momma to pack up and get some sleep.

After I tip-toe into my little boy's room and sneak a kiss of course. He may grow older, but I can always do that while he's in this house, right?

Goodnight followers/friends!